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Diva
updated 3 Sep 2014, 07:40
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Mon, Jul 12, 2010
Diva
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Why are the wrong types of men attracted to me?

I'm in my 30s and have a fun social life. My friends like me, and find me fun to be with. But my dating life has been a flop. I've had boyfriends, but these guys just seem to treat me like a play thing. I thought I could get along with my ex-boyfriends, but in the end, they left me for another woman, with lame reasons like "You're a really nice girl, and I'm sure you'll make a good wife to someone, but I really like this other girl".

All I want is a man I can settle down with, and who won't toy with my feelings. All my attempts to look for the One are not successful. At the last matchmaking party I went to, I ended up being approached by a man, who later admitted to me that he had a girlfriend. However, I've decided to stick around and give him a chance because I think that he's looking to break up with her. I feel that I don't have a lot of time left, as I'm not getting any younger.

Why do I seem to be attracting all the wrong men?

- Confused


Dear Confused
Firstly, I’d like you to view your past experiences as learning points and not mistakes. This will remove any feelings of hurt, guilt, insecurity and disappointment. Sometimes, to love is to risk not being loved in return but the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

Based on your experience, start by getting clear about who you are. Make an assessment of yourself; core values, beliefs, interests and aspirations for the future. You must know exactly what you bring to the table in your next relationship. By knowing who you are and what you stand for, you’re unlikely to be put in a situation where you’re made to compromise for something less. 

Next, to avoid meeting the “same type of men”, make a list of the qualities that you find desirable in a man. Prioritize the values, interests and aspirations that you think are important in a healthy relationship. Be sure to leave room for things or qualities that you’re willing to give due consideration.

After all, you do understand that he comes with his own set of criteria too. 

For example, would you be OK to consider him as a potential if he fulfils the top 3 criteria on your “wish list” but not all of them? I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase that sometimes, you don’t have to find the perfect man, but a man who’s perfect for you.

Once you have gained clarity on both fronts, tell your friends and/or people you trust to look out for your type of men. Be sure to inform them to only focus on what you want rather than what you don't want. This will help minimize mismatches.

Finally, I would recommend that you not put a deadline on finding "the one". That person could sometimes come in the form of a best friend whom you have overlooked all along or sometimes the person you're looking for may appear through a chanced meeting. The key is never to lose hope for what seems to us as bitter trials may be blessings in disguise.

Anisa Hassan is the owner and Managing Director of It’s Just Lunch (Singapore and Bangkok). For more information on how she can help you find “good men”, you can visit www.itsjustlunchsingapore.com and www.itsjustlunchbangkok.com

Have a problem with finding the right guy or girl for you? Tell us your problem at a1admin@sph.com.sg, and we'll get Anisa to help you out. Title your email "Dating with Diva".

readers' comments




The Way I See It:


Go for the pocket more realistic. :D
Posted by ILostMyBall on Wed, 14 Jul 2010 at 00:12 AM
Trouser Press is right when posting : seems to be stuck in pub and KTV mode (yes women do go to KTV) and most of the men in there are married and chilling out....Most women are taken in by 'charming' dudes whether single/married who can persuade these women that a camel is really a llama in disguise alto' logic & facts state otherwise.

Sweet words & empty insincere gestures are the modus operandi to charm & ensnare unsuspecting women looking for well..big Lurve..can't blame 'em tho' bec its human nature to search for companionship but it shld be the right kind of companionship. There are lots of douche bag dudes who treat women like used condoms but there are still some decent & sincere but not good-looking & less financially endowed single guys who're committed & honourable. Don't judge a book just by its cover. Go beyond .....
Posted by chieftain on Tue, 13 Jul 2010 at 10:28 AM
I think Ms Hassan's dating agency is an excellent idea, as in less of the computer-keyboard "chit-chat" and straight to a dining experience.

The lady posing the question of "why the wrong types of men" seems to be stuck in pub and KTV mode (yes women do go to KTV) and most of the men in there are married and chilling out, or to be honest single and with little to say to vivacious women.

The job of mating people in SG is one hundred times more complex than elsewhere but the plus side is that there are truly hundreds of places to chill out with the right amount of imagination and the willingness to sweat a little!
Posted by Trouser Press on Tue, 13 Jul 2010 at 09:27 AM
Alas, AsiaOne has posted a useful reply from Ms. Hassan. Kudos to Ms Hassan. I'm a guy and I'd like to add that the heading is the first problem. It should not be, "Why are the wrong types of men attracted to me?" but rather, "Why am I attracted to the wrong types of men". Even there, the word, "wrong", is not accurate and language matters and matters alot. As Ms Hassan noted, women and men must be accountable in an active and not passive way. One's self expression is a outward manifestation of who you are and that's what others see. Each of us has control of what our self expressions are so put out something that is genuine and be conscious of what you want and need in a partner. Prioritizing core values is critical to one's "wish list". Do that first.
Posted by tatyyuen on Tue, 13 Jul 2010 at 07:52 AM
First of all, I must clarify that I am a guy. I have seen a few women which is in her situation. However, the obvious problem is, she is going for the wrong guy. Most of the time,these confused gals go for the romantic charming boyfriend. In the end, they turn out to be a flop. Why wouldn't it be a flop? Guys are generally not romantic. Those who are did it just to impressed their girlfriends. When did you see your dad do romantic things to your mum? Rare right? So... confuse gal, stop dreaming and get real!
Posted by albertino76 on Tue, 13 Jul 2010 at 07:23 AM

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