[Photo: Ladies restroom at Zouk nightclub, Jiak Kim Street.]

PARDON the pun, but this was literally a crap assignment.

If someone had told me that visiting 20 restrooms in two nights would be life-changing, I wouldn't have believed him. It was.

While party animals painted the town red last week, I had the unenviable task of digging into the deep, dark recesses of latrine hell.

Wet floors, messy sinks, stained cubicles.

What more could a girl ask for? Well, maybe a truckload of air fresheners.

And once, when I tried to take pictures of the grime, as evidence of my sleuthing capabilities, a hand tapped me on the shoulder.

Girl, interrupted.

I swear you could hear my heart drop right down to the unclean floor.

'Take picture for us, can?' asked two cute-as-button teenagers.

'We also want to put on Facebook,' they ventured with toothy grins.

Whatever tickles your fancy, you young, kiasu generation.

After seven loos, I had turned into a toilet cynic. Been there, seen that. I stifled a yawn as I pushed the next door open.

Toilet aunty

To my surprise, 10 girls in various dresses and states of undress were huddled around the cleaning woman.

And don't let the sexy clothes and heavy make-up fool you. They were sweet and chatted away in Mandarin to the old woman.

Aunty this and Aunty that. It reminded me of a Chinese New Year gathering.

Spotless sinks, dry floors and immaculate cubicles. I had finally arrived in toilet heaven.

As I turned to leave, Aunty reached out and pressed a paper towel in my hand.

In that moment that she bridged the gap between patron and anonymous cleaner. I felt obliged to keep her restrooms spotless.

This 60-year-old woman had, in one second, uncovered the age-old secret to spanking clean toilets.

I mean, you can wash and mop all you want, but having clubgoers not wishing to dirty your loos in the first place?

Brilliant.

This article was first published in The New Paper.