MANY of the e-mails I get are variations on the same question: How can I go from being 'just friends' to being a boyfriend?

Attraction is not a choice.

You can create the conditions that are conducive to generating the feeling of attraction, but you cannot command the emotion to just appear out of nowhere.

You can persuade someone to date you, to kiss you, even to engage in intimate physical relations with you.

But you cannot coerce love.

A better paraphrasing of the question is: 'How can I attract a girl who likes me as a friend and has known me for a long time?'

There are two factors that set this situation apart from standard dating scenarios: (1) The Friend Zone and (2) Time.

Regarding the first factor, when a girl first meets a guy, within the first few minutes, she automatically puts him into one of five categories.

At the bottom is the Creepy Guy. She wants to get as far away from this guy as possible. He's creepy.

Next is the Normal Guy. She feels neutral about him.

After that is The Friend. She is not romantically attracted to this guy, but she enjoys hanging out with him.

The second from the top is the Guy with Long-term Potential. She is romantically attracted to this guy. She would seriously consider settling down with him. If she is smart about it, she'll withhold physical intimacy from him as long as possible.

At the top is The Lover. She wants this guy... now. Because attraction is not a choice, she cannot help feeling these intense emotions for him. But she can choose how to act on her feelings.

Moving down this scale, that is, going from The Lover to the Creepy Guy is relatively easy and rapid.

Moving up the scale is very difficult and slow. For example, once a girl puts a guy into The Friend Zone, it's hard for him to move up to The Lover category.

The lesson to take away from this is that if you want to stay out of The Friend Zone, aim to come across as Long-term Potential or as The Lover as early as possible - even within the first few minutes.

You can do this through your words, body language, eye contact and tonality.

If you want to know how this is done check out my website.

Regarding the second factor of Time working against you, read my answer to the reader below.

Dear Dr. Date,

I like this girl at school. We have been friends for many years. I told her last week that I like her, but she said, 'Let's just be friends.'

Is there anything I can do to make her my girlfriend?

Sincerely, Desperate Dennis

Dear Dennis,

Ah, the dreaded 'Let's Just Be Friends' speech. Or, as it is known in my profession, you got LJBF-ed.

Before you read this, first read my other column (above). It discusses the two factors that differentiate your case and explains the principles behind the first factor.

You are in The Friend Zone. That's the first factor.

But even worse, you have been in The Friend Zone for a very long time. Time is working against you right now. You have to make time work for you.

The longer a guy spends in a category, the more deeply entrenched in it he will be and the harder it will be to dig himself out.

Once a guy has been in The Friend Zone for over 20hours of interaction time, his chances of getting out of it shrink exponentially.

He must take more drastic measures.

His best bet is to minimise social contact with her for a minimum of one month up to a period that is half as long as the time they have been friends.

During this time, he should develop his attraction skills, raise his social and emotional intelligence, expand his social circle, improve himself physically, and in general, make himself a much more attractive person and learn to convey that attractiveness effectively.

When he re-enters her life, she will be forced to confront a brand new guy - a more powerfully attractive man, a man she cannot dismissively drop into The Friend Zone.

Don't worry that she will meet a new boyfriend during your absence. Your current presence as 'just a friend' won't deter her from dating guys she likes romantically anyway.

There are other options, including the Hollywood fairy tale of two friends becoming lovers over time, but the Absence Method is by far the most effective route.

• Learn more about dating expert Dr Date at his website: ww.powerofbeingasian.com.

This article was first published in The New Paper on Feb 8, 2009.