Are lifelong relationships unrealistic?

IS it cheating only when it is a physical affair?

No, says International Medical University psychology head Professor Dr Ray Wilks.

"Cheating could be a sexual relationship or even emotional affairs such as flirtations."

He said for most men, cheating meant a physical affair, while for women it was "more emotional".

"Most women tend to associate extra-marital affairs with love, whereas for men, it is generally about having a good time sexually."

Cyber-sex, said Wilks, was another form of cheating.

"Some would say that cyber-sex does not harm anyone but I cannot imagine a husband being happy if his wife is having a relationship over the Internet.

"Cheating is something a person does in secret without the knowledge of his or her spouse."

Wilks said there were many reasons why people had affairs.

"If a person is having an extra-marital relationship, then there is something wrong with the primary relationship.

"Usually it is a result of dissatisfaction with the existing relationship, couples not sharing matching interests anymore or where there is no longer emotional support.

"If a relationship at home is not meeting the needs of one party, they would seek the missing bits outside the marriage."

The whole notion we have across societies, he said, is that when we marry, we marry for life.

Wilks, however, quoted the studies by anthropologist Margaret Mead that concluded lifelong relationships were an unrealistic expectation.

"She contends that we acknowledge that people will change over time but it is unrealistic to expect that partners will embrace these changes as it happens.

"She suggested that partners will serve different purposes at different times. For example, the person who is your lover may not be the best parent or the best person to share your retirement years.

"The general view though is that it will be nice to have the same partner throughout, then you can share a history together."

Most people, said Wilks, would not leave a marriage to be with their lovers.

"They will not leave because they are comfortable, worried about the children, society's perception, and their ability to live on their own. The emotional or physical side of their relationship may not be what they want but there is enough there to keep them around."

"We are just born that way", said Wilks, was a common justification men used for having affairs.

"I do not agree with that. Based on gender, there is not much difference as to the inclination to have affairs but the opportunity to cheat is often greater with men, especially if they are the breadwinners."

Poor communication and conflict resolution were reasons that contributed towards problems in marriages, he said.

"Either they do not talk enough or talk openly or honestly with each other. When there is a conflict, they walk away or scream and yell but they do not resolve the problem."

Read more: