Q My daughter is 21/2 years old. She is demanding, defensive and always beating the helpers. Whenever she throws things, she will refuse to pick them up. She does not like to be scolded or shouted at. Whenever we do that, she will use her best 'weapon', which is to cry till she throws up.

A Your child is at a difficult age. Toddlers will begin to desire autonomy but do not know how to manage their frustrations or express their anger when told 'no'.

On a positive note, tantrums are a healthy part of development in toddlers. Your daughter is asserting her desire for independence. She just needs guidance on what is right or wrong.

You may want to review the reasons for her behaviour. She may resist going to bed or bathing because she wants to continue doing what she is doing. She has not developed a good concept of time and may not want to go to bed if she is not tired.

You may want to establish a routine so that she learns what is expected of her. Give her some warning before her bath or bed time so she knows what to expect.

To avoid frustration on her part, do not give her tasks which are too difficult or beyond her developmental abilities.

Remember to be a good role model. Do not raise your voice at her. Shouting is likely to escalate her negativism.

Accentuate the positive. For example, say: 'Play nicely. Mummy is very happy when you help me tidy up', instead of 'Don't throw your things, pick them up.' Praise her frequently when she does well.

Explain that hands are for loving, not hitting. Though you can be stressed out or upset with your child, do not mirror her lack of control by losing control yourself.

Be consistent and firm about rules such as not hitting the helper. Give instructions for her to stop hitting and stop crying. But if it occurs frequently, you may need some time-out strategies. This means taking her to a quiet room until she cools down. When she does quieten down, let her resume her normal activity. Praise and hug her for behaving well.

Note that some children have temperaments which predispose them to losing their temper or becoming easily frustrated. Consult your developmental paediatrician if her behaviour significantly affects social or family functions, especially when past the toddler stage.

Dr Chong Shang Chee is a consultant and head of the Child Development Unit in the National University Hospital's University Children's Medical Institute.

This article was first published in The Sunday Times.