Two days after her husband admitted to having an affair and left their flat, a 34-year-old mother of two found herself dealing with the worst part of the situation - her then seven-year-old son begging her to let him speak to his father on the telephone.

'I will never forget it,' says administrative assistant S. Gafoor, who divorced her husband in September last year.

'He asked me: 'Can you help me to call Papa?' I didn't know what to say. I was so annoyed with my ex-husband.'

Even her daughter, then five, chimed in, asking where their father was.

'I just explained that he had another place to stay, with grandma and grandpa. But they kept questioning me,' she recalls.

For a spouse, dealing with the revelation of his or her partner's infidelity is hard enough, whether it comes in a quiet confession or is splashed in the newspapers by the third party, as in the case of local film-maker Jack Neo - news of his affair with a young actress broke last week.

The harder part for adults is deciding what to tell the children, especially when the immediate impact of the affair is a life- changing event such as one spouse leaving the home.

LifeStyle spoke to six counsellors and therapists who agreed that as far as possible, children should be shielded from the knowledge that one of the parents has been unfaithful.

Says Dr Kate Howells, a clinical psychologist in private practice at the Center for Psychology : 'When it comes to sharing these things with children, the idea is that they are not shared. There needs to be very clear boundaries between what children's and adults' issues are.'

However, she adds, if the children do pick up on the fact that something is wrong and start questioning their parents, then the adults should talk to them in a 'straightforward manner'. Even then, she cautions against giving anything but the broadest details.

'It's too much responsibility. Right through childhood, there is no need for children to know that one of the parents is having or had an affair,' she says.

'What parents should share with the children should be carefully thought out. Ideally, they should speak to the children together.'

Social worker Catherine Maderazo of the Singapore Children's Society, which is dedicated to promoting child welfare, says it is important that parents highlight to their children that problems between the adults do not mean that they will be loved any less.

In cases where the parents are separating, they should explain to the children exactly what is going to happen, and in a positive manner, to assure the children that they will still have quality time with each parent.

Mrs Florence Lim, the director of Covenant Family Service Centre, also advises parents to separate their problems with each other from their dealings with their children.

The betrayed spouse naturally feels hurt and guilt, but these feelings should not lead to bad-mouthing the other parent to the child.

'You're putting the child in a very difficult position because children love both parents,' says Mrs Lim.

A 16-year-old girl, who wishes to remain anonymous, tells LifeStyle that her parents divorced when she was five but to this day, her mother still speaks bitterly about her ex-husband.

'I don't want to let my mum's words stain my impression of my father, but I can't stop her because she gets defensive. And I know she loves me,' she says.

She knows third parties were involved in her parents' divorce but prefers not to think about it. 'My relationship with them is different from their relationship with each other,' she says.

Ms Anna Low, a consultant counsellor at Care Corner Family Service Centre (Queenstown), suggests that adults find a supportive place where they can be heard and understood or let off steam, so that they do not burden their children with their emotions.

This could be with friends or relatives, or a support group such as her centre's New Rainbow Support Group for people whose spouses have been unfaithful.

Mrs Lim of Covenant Family Service Centre also notes that when a family faces a crisis like this, children often blame themselves.

'They have to be told that this is a problem between adults. It is not their fault,' she says.

Mrs Theresa Bung, a senior therapist at the Family Life Society, suggests that adults approach professional counsellors before talking to their children about sensitive issues in the marriage.

'These issues may be too harsh for children to deal with and will come as a shock,' she says. 'Every child experiences a sort of grieving, almost the dashed dream of the family. Even after reconciliation, there is the fear: What if this happens again?'

When it comes to such tough questions, Dr Howells says: 'Parents don't have to have all the answers. The important thing is to hear what their children have to say and to take it seriously.'

Divorced mother S. Gafoor is following this maxim. With her children's best interests at heart, she is trying to answer their questions about 'daddy's girlfriend' and wondering how to help them deal with their father's upcoming remarriage.

'Initially, I had the feeling that I don't want them to see their father because he dumped us. But they do need a father in their life,' she says. 'It's tough for my son because he's quite close to his father.'

For now, she is listening to her children's concerns, assuring them that they are loved and ensuring that they get as much quality time as possible with both parents.

'At the end of the day, I just want my kids to be comfortable and have a good life. Time will answer all their questions. '

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This article was first published in The Sunday Times.