updated 5 Jan 2011, 07:50
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Sun, Jan 02, 2011
The Star/ANN
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Don't trust her, but still love her

I’VE been married for four years and have a two-year-old daughter. Ours is a love marriage.

My nightmare started when I found out that my wife was having an affair. I just cannot digest the fact that my own wife can cheat me.

I feel humiliated and am going through great trauma. I cannot accept any of the excuses given by her.

What’s worse is that when I shared my problem with my close friend, he told me that once a woman has had an extra-marital affair, she is no longer innocent and will continue to do in future if she feels depressed again.

His advice is that if I cannot trust her, divorce would be the best solution, and that I should find someone who really loves me.

To be honest, I don’t trust my wife anymore, but I still love her and I want her to be part of my life.

However, I have a strong feeling that she still loves him and I just don’t want to be caught in a love triangle.

I do understand that if a married woman has an affair, it certainly is because she doesn’t love her partner anymore. So, even though my wife tells me that she loves me a lot, I don’t think that’s true.

What should I do now? I just want a life partner who only loves me and cares for me. I’m worried about my daughter’s future too.


DIVORCE is never the best solution especially when you have a young child. If you and your wife still love each other, then you must try to salvage your marriage.

Of course, her affair was the worst betrayal. There can be no excuse good enough for her to seek sex and solace in the arms of another man. However, you need to understand why she did it.

What had driven her to risk love, marriage and child for stolen pleasures? Was it the thrill of the attention, or was she unhappy at home?

Every marriage has its challenges and failings. You will have to ask yourself if you can forgive your wife and start afresh.

Although it will be very difficult to forget this chapter of your life, throwing her betrayal in her face constantly will eventually take its toll.

Your doubts and suspicions and the nagging fear that she will carry on with the affair or start another affair spell doom for the marriage. Consult a marriage counsellor if you cannot talk to her as yet.

Sometimes, it helps to bring up all the doubts and fears that are slowly, but surely, destroying love and trust in your marriage. Friends might mean well but their advice could cause more harm than good as you get more torn between love and doing the sensible, rational thing.

Love needs forgiveness, without the blame and recrimination, to survive. And a marriage can be stronger after the storm of an affair.

Your wife should cherish a man who can forgive and love her despite her big mistake. But make it clear that there can never be another chance. Love is never magnanimous to that extent.

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