DEAR EMILY,

I am a 43-year-old woman, married with two kids. Both my sons came from different marriages.

My relationship with my second husband is so cool that we don’t make demands or check on each other, whether near or far. It is always okay with him when I go out with my friends, if I come home late, and vice versa.

I thought I was happily married, until I found out about my husband’s affair three years ago when we were just married. He was caught by my best friend embracing someone in a mall. I felt sick because during that time, we almost never had sex, however much I tried to seduce him.

He was always saying how tired he was, which I blamed on office work. I also thought he might be having erectile dysfunction—and then, the news from my friend.

It was after this news that I became very attracted to a male friend who wanted to have an affair with me. I almost gave in to the temptation, were it not for my determination to keep my marriage. I just forgave my husband later on.

I finally had my second baby, our own, who is now a year-and-a-half. We’ve never had sex again after my giving birth two-and-a-half years ago. Every time I tried to initiate sex, he’d push me aside and tell me it’s not that easy and that he must plan for it. My mind has started wondering if he’s having an affair again.

My problem now is I am having this affair with a 24-year-old man. He wouldn’t accept just friendship with me. We are compatible sexually, and I cannot get away from him because I need this intimacy. My husband and I just have this platonic relationship and absolutely no sex at all.

I feel guilty because he loves the kids and is a very responsible father, lets me go where I want to go and his priority is his family. But sex is important to me. But when I do a reality check, I know this is not right.

ICE

You cannot be all that lucky. It’s either you’re in—or you’re out!

And as they say in geometry, the shortest distance between two points is a straight line.

Ask your husband what the real score is in this supposed marriage of yours. You can’t continue living like brother and sister but married in name only—to lead separate lives? It’s not healthy at all—not good for your bodies, and certainly not good for both your sanity. Something’s got to give.

Find out if he’s having an afternoon delight of his own (as you are!). He might just be waiting for someone to open the floodgates of his emotion, so why not do the honors? If he is not willing to open up, then you do the honors. That might jolt him out of his complacency and restart this stalled relationship.

Either you find out if he is having an affair of his own and wants out—clearly putting you together in the same boat. Or, if there’s no third party muddling his mind, he might agree to a general physical examination to root out his impotence.

If his problem is just with you, then you have a problem. But if there’s nothing wrong physiologically and his impotence is a general issue with him, then he must start defragging (to use a computer lingo) his brain—also called the largest sex organ in the body. No amount of prescription drugs can energize his batteries unless he de-clogs his mind.

Take this chance to lay both your cards on the table. There’s nothing as liberating as house cleaning from top to bottom.

As for your young man, sure, you are both hot and heavy for each other. But didn’t you say that despite this great sex with your boytoy, you feel guilty, nonetheless, with the thought of your husband at the back of your mind? Didn’t someone famously say that having three people in a marriage is a bit crowded?

To repeat—you cannot be all that lucky!