I AM currently studying in one of the top colleges in Malaysia. In September this year, I will be going to Britain to continue my studies.

Recently, I had this huge crush on A, who is also a guy. I often catch myself dreaming about him, although I know it is morally wrong. I am very scared that I might disappoint my parents because of my sexual orientation. Given a chance, I don’t want to be this way. I just want to be a normal, straight guy.

I must confess I have feelings for girls, too, but my feelings for guys are stronger.

Before the semester ended, I asked a friend to send a letter to A’s room without his knowledge. But A’s housemate saw my friend, who told him the letter was from a girl. As expected, A asked my friend who had sent the letter, but the latter managed to cover everything up.

Then I did something really stupid! I created a gmail account and sent A an e-mail asking whether he understood what the letter was all about. To my horror, the e-mail included my full name!

A hasn’t been online for a few days in Facebook and I am so embarrassed that I’ve thought of deleting him from my friends list. Then I realised I could still manipulate the story by saying someone had hacked into my e-mail account and was using my name to send mail to my friends.

I feel really stupid and ashamed. I don’t want to be like this for the rest of my life. What if, one day, this feeling comes back after I am married? Isn’t that considered cheating? Would I be betraying my wife then?

Now how am I going to confront A? Should I ignore him, as if nothing has happened, until he speaks up first? Or, should I confront him and tell him the truth? What if he tells about me to his friends?

Lost with no direction

WHEN you have a secret that you fear others will find out about, you’ll always feel threatened and insecure. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself or you will crack up.

Do not even think of confronting A. The letter was supposed to have been sent by a girl, so just leave it at that. Your issue is not about the letter.

Your great fear is confirming your sexual orientation. You do not really want to be gay, but your heart and mind seem to be steering you.

Your feelings for guys overwhelm you and you are petrified. Take a break. Do not push yourself to identify if you are homosexual. If you like girls, then chances are you could still live a life as a regular guy.

Do not try to take so many steps at a time. Why worry about the future when you’re still so young. You are not even sure of your sexual orientation and you’re terrified about betraying your wife for a guy?

Take charge of your life and do not allow this fear to dominate your mind. Learn to lose this grip on yourself. Focus on your studies. Plan your future. Take each day as it comes.

Date the gals. Mix around with the fellows but do not try to check out your feelings too soon. Treat the guys and gals as friends, not potential sexual partners.

Being gay is no longer an issue. You need to live with who you are, not what others will think of you. We are in the new millennium of liberation. Have the courage to be yourself or you will always feel afraid.

When you are not plagued by this fear of not knowing, love will come naturally to you – be it with a guy or a girl.