I AM a 40-year-old single woman with a good career and a comfortable life. Recently, I was told by a male friend that he was interested in me a few years back, but never asked me out.

He decided not to pursue me after realising I always referred to my mother for everything, even when it came to going out to dinner with my colleagues. He is now married. He told me this because he invited me to his son’s first birthday and the first thing I said was, “I’ll see if my mum wants to go.’’

Also recently, my brother who is 32 and single confided that he had met a great woman and started dating her. It ended when our mum, upset that her son frequently had dinner and spent weekends outside the home, went to the woman’s office and berated her for keeping her son out so much.

Although she had never gone to such an extent previously, the few times either of us had some form of life outside the home was always filled with ‘‘peril’’.

My brother decided to end the relationship for the sake of not hurting the woman. He also did not want to embarrass our mum and himself, but mother is convinced he did it because he finally came to his senses.

For years we have tried talking to her but she either denies controlling us or sidesteps the issue. When I shared with her what my male friend told me, she said it’s okay to be single. Better to not get married than to have a bad marriage like hers, and we must concentrate on our careers.

Don’t get us wrong – we love our mum to bits and we know she worries that our love for her might diminish in tandem with our growing love for that someone special.

My brother and I grimly joke about seeing who will enter an asylum first. I am still getting mum’s approval to go out with friends at this age!

Give Up

YOUR mother’s love is overwhelming, suffocating and overbearing. She may appear to be the best mother in the world for all her sacrifices, but in holding back your freedom to love, to find companionship and a future with families of your own, she is being selfish and obsessive.

Her possessiveness is not healthy. Berating your brother’s girlfriend at her office was absolutely unreasonable and out of bounds. That your brother had given up the relationship to appease your mother showed how much control she has over him. And not going out without seeking mum’s approval simply proves her power over you.

Frankly, you and your brother are deluding yourselves. You are both terrified of going against her wishes because of her ability to make you feel bad. In your mind, mum does know best so you will never dare do anything without her blessing or consent.

In mum’s mind, the two of you are her babies to protect and to keep safe. She doesn’t want to let you go because she thinks that she is nothing without her children.

She suffered a bad marriage and in stopping you from getting into any relationships. She believes that she is keeping you from grief and pain.

Sadly, she does not realise that she is wrong to hold you back from living. Two puppets on strings, you are being manipulated and strung along by mother’s love.

There is horror in the truth and you must do something about it. Talk to your brother. You must not accept that the rest of your lives must be spent by your mother’s side. Your mother will pass on one day. What will happen then?

You must not feel guilty about wanting a life without your mother. You and your brother are wonderful, filial children.

Your mother knows how blessed she is but she does not understand that her will and control is destructive and damaging.

You two have been doing your best for mum. Now, it’s time to do your best for yourselves.