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updated 29 Aug 2014, 07:12
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Having an affair with my brother-in-law

I AM in my mid-30s, single and having an affair with my brother-in-law, A. This has been going on for a few years and although I feel guilty for betraying my sister, I cannot let him go as I love him.

I did break up with him several times but he would not let me go. He says he cannot lose me, but sometimes I wonder if he’s in this just for sex. Once I had a miscarriage but he never bothered to check on me or take me to a clinic. He said that if he took me to the doctor, they would ask who he was to me.

He never bothers about me when I fall sick. Once I told him that his friend had flirted with me and talked about sex-related things, but he didn’t care. He hardly talks to me or shares his problems with me. He hardly spends time with me except when he wants sex.

When we have sex, he doesn’t hug me; once it’s over, he’ll sit alone. I’m really confused. Does he really love me or if am I the one who makes myself seem like a fool?

Confused Mid-30s

YOU know the truth but you have been in denial all these years. You are in love with A and you want so much to believe that he cares. But deep in your heart, you know that it’s just lust.

Why did you allow this to happen? Having sex with your brother-in-law on the sly is the worst betrayal to your sister. You are two people she loves and trusts. Yet you could not control your feelings and succumbed to his seduction. Or, did you throw yourself at him?

How can you continue to love this man who refused to take responsibility when you had a miscarriage? How can you not acknowledge his lack of interest in you when he ignored another man’s attraction for you?

Yes, you are such a fool. You never had any reason to be confused because he has never shown any love for you. He is using you for sex. You tried to break off with him, but went back to him willingly whenever he asked.

Weak-willed and misguided in your love for him, you are easy prey, an eager victim. Although he has hurt you many times with his selfish, callous ways, you have allowed yourself to be his sex slave for so many years.

Do not plead guilt for betraying your sister because you never tried hard enough to stop this relationship. Perhaps you were hoping for A to fall in love with you and ditch her? You seem so consumed by your feelings you ignored reality and the possible consequences of your behaviour. How would your sister and family react should they ever find out about your affair? Would they blame him or you, the sister who should know better?

Do not kid yourself that A will ever fall in love with you. There is no emotional connection or communication apart from sex. You know that you should break off but you cannot let go. Until you wise up and walk away, it would appear that you are consciously hanging on to this affair. Blame no one for your actions because you chose to betray your sister from the very start.

readers' comments
Oh man...
I don't think this is love in anywhere.. Lust, yes, not love. Lust is taking to benefit one self; love is giving to benefit another person..
Posted by wenwinner on Fri, 12 Feb 2010 at 15:37 PM
Stop your silly acts and leave the family alone.... open yourself to other suitors and live for a new life.... there are more "better men" outside once you leave him and open up yourself to them.
Posted by Small Fly on Fri, 12 Feb 2010 at 14:21 PM
I totally agree with DreamerFC. Admit your mistake done to your sister. You'd just going to broken your sister marriage. Turn a new leaf. Look ahead and never never turn back.
Posted by on Fri, 12 Feb 2010 at 10:32 AM
dear confused,

Love is the greatest debt on earth based on taiwanese serial drama "Ai(love)". Because of your love for that man, you have crossed the line of betrayal. Yet for so much that you gave, that man has very little appreciation of you. Love can be cultivated and it can be undone with time. Learn to forget that man, life lessons are never free, it will come with pain.
Posted by gongsimee on Thu, 11 Feb 2010 at 23:39 PM
Wonder why some people, who HATE Jesus the Jew and only listen to Jesus the Nazarene, are hijacking this thread to sprew their "christain" views with their holier thou attitude...Guess we should know why they sprew such nonsense because they still think that Jesus was not a Jew but a Nazarene, when we all know that Jesus was really the Son of God and not bounded by worldly confines of regions and countries...Guess they just tied Jesus up to their own destruction...
Posted by kooldog59 on Thu, 11 Feb 2010 at 22:23 PM


Hehe… this pariah bit*ch sure knows how to bit*ch about bitching around others about bitching about bitching and bitching about bitching about bitching round and around!

Did you forget to add your 2 bits from NIV? Let me help with the 2 sisters (bitches?) from KJV:

Ezekiel 23:1-4
1 The word of the LORD came again unto me, saying, 2 “Son of man, there were two women, the daughters of one mother: 3 And they committed whoredoms in Egypt; they committed whoredoms in their youth: there were their breasts pressed, and there they bruised the teats of their virginity. 4 And the names of them were Aholah the elder, and Aholibah her sister: and they were Mine, and they bare sons and daughters. Thus were their names; Samaria [is] Aholah, and Jerusalem Aholibah.”

Aholah = .....
Posted by HalleluYH1 on Thu, 11 Feb 2010 at 19:49 PM
That man deserves to die, honestly, I can't believe he's cheating on the both of you, so to speak. Please leave him, and you should let your sister know, and whether or not she leaves him is her choice. And she will be angry at you, even slap you, but better you tell her than him. So you can explain your side of the story. Please apologise to her and give her time to calm down. She will be more sad than angry, so please, do support her if you can. Once she calms down and rationalise, she will likely leave him. However, you must know that your relationship with your sister will be strained, definitely, but since you did it, you should know the consequences. Be a responsible adult and face up to your actions. I wish you well, and God bless!
Posted by DreamerFC on Thu, 11 Feb 2010 at 15:55 PM
Yes, respect your sister and yourself. Leave this ba%^&%d and get your sister to leave him too!
Posted by on Thu, 11 Feb 2010 at 11:17 AM
Sigh ......
I envy the brother-in-law !!
Posted by Ssquirrel on Thu, 11 Feb 2010 at 10:54 AM
Your brother in-law is indeed a real fu@#$%. He's definitely treating you like one of those at Geylang. The difference is that he doesn't have to pay you & probably you are STD free. By doing what you have done, you have hurt your sister very much. Wake up..... wake up.
Posted by lovemelovemenot on Thu, 11 Feb 2010 at 10:45 AM

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