WOMEN who are more open in their relationships are those in their late 30s or early 40s, with successful careers. Whereas women in their 20s are still looking for a husband,” says Zainal*, an articulate, successful businessman in his mid-40s who claims to know “the KL scene” well.
“Some of them earn over RM20,000 (S$8,266) a month. They have decided they are happy alone, and are not interested in marriage but want companionship. Or they can’t find a guy they really like, so they don’t mind an open relationship in the meantime.”
It’s a whole new ball game out there, a role reversal of the traditional stereotype of rich men having many mistresses, adds Zainal, who also knows “first hand” of couples who are “married but open”.
“There is this cool 40-something couple in advertising. The wife had a crush on another guy and told her husband about it. He replied, ‘If you really need to, go ahead’. But later, she came back to him. I believe the relationship has lasted till now because of the freedom he gave her.”
While it’s “normally the guys” who want open relationships, both sexes have multiple partners nowadays, claims Zainal: “It’s also happening among the ladies, just that they are more discreet about it.
“When you say open relationships, it’s just a question of how open. I don’t think it’s so common, but it is happening. I know of married women who are looking for a relationship without ties.
“There was also this girl in the finance line who was openly doing it with several people in my group of 15 friends, and all of us knew about it. Those were her wild days but last I heard she’s now going solo with a Mat Salleh guy.
“Many people are not faithful but they lie about it. I believe in open relationships and so do a few friends of mine. After dating for a while, some girls want a closer bond. We tell them: ‘We’re not ready to settle down. We can’t guarantee we won’t go out with other girls. At the same time we won’t stop you from going out with other guys.’
“Usually they go away, some keep trying to persuade me (to settle down) and some don’t like it but tahan (endure) anyway.”
Zainal dated a girl on this basis for about six months. Then it struck them that they were spending four days a week together and didn’t feel like going out with others.
“We just naturally enjoyed each other’s company. So we sat down and talked. ‘Hey, what’s going on here? Let’s try a serious (exclusive) relationship’. It lasted for two years before we quarrelled and parted.”
He reckons this flexible attitude to relationships is increasingly common among men and women who are considered a good catch, in terms of looks, career and temperament, as they know they can always find a partner somehow.
“People misunderstand that it’s all about the sex. I do different activities with different partners. With one it’s swimming or badminton, with another it’s movies or discussing politics, or maybe a classical music concert. Sex is just one part of the package.”
Genuine care and concern are part of the ethos of open relationships, he adds.
“I was once with a woman in her late 20s. She is very pretty but wasn’t interested in settling down even though the guys all wanted to marry her. Then we met and she was surprised that I was not keen on marriage either. We became good companions.
“When she started going out with someone else, I let go. But I do care for her; if she called me at 3am for help, I would go. An open relationship is about two humans caring for each other without trying to own or possess each other.”
Zainal advocates a new model of society.
“It’s not about being immoral. I tell people, like it or not, this is happening. The social environment has made us like this. It’s a new society and we need new ways, new mechanisms.
“I’m not saying that open relationships are good or bad but they’re happening.
“It’s easy to be moralistic, but when both partners work till 9pm, they often don’t want children and marriage, just companionship. So people will find practical ways to fill their needs.”
* Not his real name
