I AM a 49-year-old housewife who has been married to a policeman for 23 years. We have 21-year-old twins who are in their first year at university.

My husband has been cheating on me for almost 20 years.

He is a womaniser. He sleeps with any woman who offers her body for free. He had a mistress in the 1990s. He even told me that he wanted to marry her but he didn’t want to divorce me. Luckily, she left the state and married somebody else. He was angry with me for a long time because he blamed me for her departure.

After that, he had casual affairs. In 2008, he started seeing a widow whom he had helped in a court case. Now, they are in a strong intimate relationship. Whenever she calls he pretends to be talking with friends. I phoned her and told her not to bother my husband but she called me a dog and hung up.

When I bring it up, he gets angry and tells me to accept him or leave him. I have been suffering emotionally and physically. He doesn’t use any protection during sex with other women and passes on sexually-transmitted diseases to me.

I have lost hope of my husband changing, but I don’t know what to do because my children don’t want the family to break up.

Faint Heart

THE family broke up 20 years ago. A man who abuses his wife, blatantly passes on STDs to her and flaunts affairs in her face does not deserve a place in the home.

Your children should understand that their mother does not have to live with such behaviour and insult anymore. The twins are young adults who must respect that you are not their father’s punching bag. You have been emotionally starved and cowed. How many women could suffer a marriage that has offered nothing but betrayal, hurt and pain? Is it strength or fear that has put you through years of such intolerable abuse?

For your children, have the courage to fight back. They must not think that abuse of this form is normal. You do not want them to enter relationships where they might end up abused or become the abuser. These many years, they see a man who does not respect women. They see a helpless woman who has been cornered into this silent whipping of the heart and mind without the means and ability to protect herself. But sadly, they have simply accepted this as family.

As your husband is deemed a respected figure of authority, you will have difficulty trying to convince others about your case. Get help from the Women’s Aid Organisation (WAO) at 03-7956 3488, email [email protected]. This is your first step, and the most critical one as you will have many worries that may hold you up. Do not be afraid. Move on.

Never for a moment blame the other women in your husband’s life and use them as the excuse for his behaviour. They may be willing partners but your husband is the man who betrayed you. He is a bully who preys on women. He enjoys the power over them and has no qualms about hurting them. You are 49. You still have a chance to spend the rest of your life a happier person. Be brave and walk out of this prison of your marriage. But be very careful if your husband is vindictive. Make sure that you have protected shelter and financial aid when you leave.

The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, usefulness, fitness for any particular purpose or other assurances as to the opinions and views expressed in this column.

The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses suffered directly or indirectly arising from reliance on such opinions and views.

The Star/Asia News Network