MALAYSIA - I HAVE been having online chats with many ladies. Recently, my wife found out about that and made a big fuss. I do not see anything wrong as I have never slept with any of them even though I engage in sex talk that is quite intimate in nature. I see it only as a form of fun and variety.

I must admit that some of the women are quite attractive and I have been tempted to meet them and take it further. So far, I have managed to control myself and haven’t strayed.

Yet, my wife claims that this is a form of cheating. I just do not get her point and we’ve had huge arguments over this. I am writing just to get an outsider’s opinion on this.

Just Innocent

AS A man, you should respect your wife. She is not a fool and obviously knows you well enough to stop you from exploring such fun and variety.

Since you admit that you have been tempted to meet with the online encounters and “take it further”, why feel anger and indignation towards your wife? While you have yet to physically stray, the chats are sexual and intimate in nature. Until your wife found out, they were your secrets. When you are deceitful and have the intention to cheat, you are guilty of betraying love and trust.

Your control is not of your own will. Should the opportunity arise, you would want to experience the thrill of sex with strangers. Your curiosity has been aroused, your sense of sexual adventure provoked. You feel excited, alive and liberated. You think you deserve to have a bit of harmless fun, some naughty escapades without the heat of flesh and passion.

It usually starts like that. At this point, you believe you are in absolute control. You make excuses for the occasional lapses, those moments when you really wish to go all the way. But fear holds you back. When you can no longer resist the temptation, you will succumb.

Once you have experienced the first affair, you will become more careful and devious. You will probably then blame your wife for your boring existence and build up rage to suppress your guilt.

Do not kid yourself that it is her fault. Your wife has every right to ensure that her marriage is not under threat, that she is safe in your heart and bed. While you want to feel justified, blameless and innocent, look closely into your heart and mind. Every time you log onto your sexual games and fantasies, where is your control?