Dear Emily,

I have been married almost 30 years. Like in most marriages, my husband and I have weathered a lot of storms. I like to think that this made our bond strong. My problem with my husband started about five years ago after I saw in his cell phone several inappropriate text exchanges. He does not see anything wrong with having these women as his "text buddies," since infidelity does not apply here.

Either he is pretty smart not to go to bed with them, or I simply have no proof that he does. This has hurt me so much and our relationship is suffering. My husband insists he has done nothing wrong other than be insensitive. There must be a word to describe this kind of infidelity. I know it isn't right and I can't understand how these women-some of whom are married-can send these messages. Is it all a game which I should learn to play?

TEXT BUDDY

Reply:

Yes, it's a game you should learn to play, but not in the way of tit for tat. Unless your husband is glued to his cell phone and looks past you 24/7, why not allow him this playtime alone? Crank your jealous engine when he starts going out with these text mates and acting like a suitor on the prowl.

What do you two do for amusement? Do you even walk together just for fun? Discovered any new out-of-the-way restaurants recently? Ever shared jokes you heard on TV or read somewhere? Take it upon yourself to find some interesting ways to divert his mind so you can yank that mobile phone off his hands.

Thirty years can make a marriage a yawn, especially if you are not doing any worthwhile projects or hobbies together. Since humans do not possess the life-long loyalty that penguins or eagles have for their partners (that they even have to court every time they have sex), take the extra effort to hold his interest in you. And just because you're jealous of his text mates doesn't mean you are still besotted with him. You probably are just as bored in this relationship. You are being pickled by his insensitivity and these text mates this time, and you don't know what to make of it.

Believe that nothing will happen unless you push him to the edge. Men are such homing, lazy creatures that many of them will play this insensitive game in the comforts of their worn-out comfortable chairs-not out.