I am 32 and working in an established organisation with a fairly good career. About two years ago, I met A, a temporary clerk, at my workplace. She is eight years younger than me.
I was unsure then whether she wanted to be with me, a tomboy. Nonetheless I pursued the relationship and we're still together today.
Soon after meeting A, a friend called to say that a "datuk" was looking for a girlfriend. I joked that he should introduce us. Surprisingly, G, the datuk's "middleman" (who is also a datuk) asked to meet me to discuss things.
Some months later, my friend told me G was interested in me and was willing to pay for it. I agreed to try out the affair.
Occasionally, I had to lie to A to meet G in secret. At first she was suspicious, but I convinced her I was meeting a friend. After some time, A began to question me and control my movements. She expects me to be with her and accompany her everywhere, which annoys me.
I love A and do not have any feelings for G. But I have dreams of owning a condominium in a decent area and am struggling to save my first RM10K (S$4,000) after almost 10 years of slogging at work. With my present salary and the bleak prospect of going up the corporate ladder any time soon, I doubt I can realise my material dreams in the near future.
So I literally force myself to "sleep" with G, to get the few hundred (ringgit) after each "session". I also hope that he will buy me a condo one day.
G is nice and does not mind me having a girlfriend, or my tomboyish outlook. He listens to my problems with A and gives me advice. We meet once or twice a month, and he gives me money. Occasionally I hint to him that I don't earn much and still contribute towards my parents' expenses.
After one year, I see very little possibility of G ever giving a "good and comfortable" life, like he does for his wife. Each time I raise the subject of the condo, he tells me property prices are rising and to wait.
Whenever we meet, G will pester me to "sleep" with him in a hotel, even though I refuse to do so. After being forced to do things with G (which is against my sexuality and principles), I feel disgusted with myself. I feel my body has changed after being touched by a man, and I no longer like the idea of being touched in certain areas.
I feel anxious thinking of whether I should continue to meet G and give in to his "needs" for the money and possible long-term benefits. I'm struggling to juggle my time for work, A and G. This had affected my health and elevated my stress level.
A can be very unreasonable and annoying at times, and all this has taken a toll on my well-being and sanity. Above all, by having this secret affair, I feel that I have wronged A, who, to my knowledge, has been faithful to me.
It is never a good thing when you have to lie to the one you love. Even if you think that you are only doing it for your benefit as a unit together.
You know that already; what you have described as feeling that you have wronged A is actually guilt. And, it's not a pleasant feeling.
Your arrangement with G is to get money - a few hundred, you say - when you spend time with him. Did he ever at any time mention or promise you a condominium? I doubt it. Also, why would you expect him to give you the kind of life that he gives his wife?
Aside from the money, what are you getting from this arrangement with G? You don't enjoy the things you have to do with him. You don't love him. You feel lousy about yourself. You are stressed. And no wonder, what with all the lies and skulking around.
Your girlfriend must sense something is wrong, thus she is becoming more demanding of you and your time.
First, you will have to work on getting your expectations to meet reality. Aside from G not giving you your condo, you are also not going to be able to convince yourself to do things with him while your wants and desires are elsewhere - for another person, and someone of the same sex as you.
You are, effectively, his mistress at best. You do not have a relationship with him. For want of a better word, it is just liaisons.
Remember that no one can force you to do something if you do not want to. You can say no, and that must be respected. Many people would consider it rape when someone is forced to have sex against her will.
It seems fairly obvious what you must do. It is probably going to take time and a whole lot of hard work, but that is probably a better way to getting your dream condo. It will not only help reduce your stress levels, but also make you and your body feel better.
You don't have to live a double life. And you don't have to be ashamed of yourself. Instead, you are going to gain far more from knowing that you did it all by yourself.