DEAR THELMA

I am 23 and have been with R for over four years. It's a steady relationship as both our families know about us and we are planning to get married in a couple of years.

I'm very happy with R and there is nothing else I could wish for because he is such a wonderful person.

I'm truly blessed to have him in my life. But he is a Hindu and I'm a Catholic; religion is definitely an issue as my mother is quite strict about this.

But R doesn't want to convert, which I totally understand. As we are happy together, we've decided to put the religious aspect aside until everything is stable.

However, I joined a new company about eight months ago and met A.

He is everything that I've dreamed of - a Catholic, responsible and very charming.

We started off well as friends. But in the last few months we have developed feelings for each other.

A is very understanding; he knows I'm currently in a relationship and so he acts smart and always keeps some distance between us.

But a week ago, we confessed our feelings for each other.

Honestly, I like him very much. I'm extremely confused now because I know this is wrong.

I have my boyfriend and I love him very much. And when everything seems to be perfect, I start having strong feelings for A.

How is this even possible?

I feel stuck and helpless because I do not want to hurt anyone.

Every night I cry because of this guilty feeling. Sometimes, I'm disgusted with myself for even thinking about another man when I already have one next to me.

But I can't stop thinking about A. How can I move on without causing serious damage to my relationship with R?

I do not want to hurt A as well.

J

You seem to be contradicting yourself. First, you say you are happy with R and that there is nothing else you could wish for.

Then you say that A is everything you've dreamed of.

Something is not right here. Either R is not all that you say he is, or you are exaggerating A's merits.

You need to be clear about what you want. If R is all that you say he is, then be clear about what these traits are. And, do the same for A.

If the bottom line is religion, then you need to think about what your relationship with R means to you.

You will need to gauge if it is worth giving up for the sake of religion.

Maybe you will find that it is not that important after all as the two of you share more fundamental beliefs that transcend religious divides.

Besides, if your parents already know about your relationship with him and have not raised any objections concerning his religion, then maybe they do not see it as an issue.

This is no time for making moral judgments about wrong or right. Your feelings are valid and you need to address them.

Could it be that you are feeling this way because of some doubts about your future with R? Or, could it even be fear of commitment?

Could it be that what you feel for A is a crush or infatuation?

I do not mean to make little of your feelings for him. Instead, these questions are to make you think so that you will be able to see things with a bit more clarity.

It may not happen in an hour or two, or even a day or two.

It may take time, but it is worth it if you are going to make a decision that will affect your life and that of two others. Take all the time you need.

Just remember, though, that you are stuck in a rather sticky situation and someone is going to get hurt.

Do not try and make a decision based on whom you are going to hurt the least. The most important person in this situation is you.

Is something bothering you? Do you need a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on? Thelma is here to help. Write to Dear Thelma, c/o Star2, Menara Star, 15 Jalan 16/11, 46350 Petaling Jaya or e-mail [email protected]. The Star does not give any warranty on accuracy, completeness, usefulness, fitness for any particular purpose or other assurances as to the opinions and views expressed in this column. The Star disclaims all responsibility for any losses suffered directly or indirectly arising from reliance on such opinions and views.