DEAR THELMA

I am single, in my 30s and have been having an affair with a married colleague for 10 years. He is in his 40s and has two grownup children.

Everything was going well and I thought he loved me as much as I loved him.

Then he began avoiding me. We met less often, spoke less to each other and argued constantly. Even when we had sex, I felt no love from him.

"What's the problem?" I asked him. He said he doesn't love me like before and can no longer be with me.

He wants to end our relationship because he doesn't want to betray his wife and religion. Being with me was a big mistake, he said.

How about me? I have never demanded money or marriage. I was happy with the way things were and had never asked him to leave his family. I just wanted his love and attention.

My friends say he has lost interest in me and wants to escape from our relationship.

He has used me and now that he's satisfied, it's time to leave.

He asked me to have my own life. Is it possible to sleep with another guy or marry someone else after giving myself to him?

I don't feel bad about his wife because I never wanted him to leave his family. I know society will support her and not the "kept" woman.

But I'm also human. I happened to make the mistake of being in a relationship with a married man.

He had promised that he would never leave me. I know he loves his wife very much, but he said he loved me too.

Who is to say a man cannot love two women at the same time? Because of love and trust, I surrendered myself to him. Now he's throwing me away, like junk.

If he's really a good man, he would say: "I'm not interesed in having sex with you now as I can't do it anymore.

But my love is true and we can be good partners." I would have been happy; a hug and a kiss once in a while is more than enough for me.

I was silly to trust him. I've wasted my life on him. Every day in the office, he talks to me and behaves as if nothing has ever happened between us. There is no love in his eyes anymore.

I have threatened to tell his wife about our relationship.

But he doesn't care about how I feel. Maybe he thinks what he has done is right. Society may agree with him, but ladies who are in my situation will understand my feelings. That's enough for me.

Angry and betrayed

Your feelings of anger and betrayal are justifiable after the promises made to you over the last 10 years.

It is very clear that you knew what you were getting into.

When you say the relationship was going well, one can only assume that your needs and expectations were being met.

Many will ask how you can trust a man who lies to his wife and family.

While you are not wrong in asking if it's possible to love two people at the same time, you should question someone who willingly broke the promises he made to his wife.

Fidelity is one of the promises you make to your partner upon committing to a relationship, be it long-term or marriage.

Breaking this promise could be an indication of one's character.

Something like this could be a good point to judge if a man is trustworthy; everything else he says or promises becomes irrelevant.

Putting together the information you have provided, it is not difficult to see that he was trying to have his cake and eat it, too.

Of course he is not going to consider how you feel because it has always been about him.

Do you really believe it has taken him a decade to realise he was betraying his wife?

Sorry, but your friends are right in saying that he has used you.

No one has the right to judge your behaviour as no one knows the circumstances of your life when you made the decision to have a relationship with this man.

You should perhaps stop being so harsh on yourself and see the situation for what it is.

You were lied to and have been betrayed. You also have made some poor decisions and judgment.

Now is the time to think clearly. It is not too late to make some changes and turn your life around.

If you want a partner in life eventually, you are going to have to put this behind you.

Hopefully, you have learnt some things and can put that to good use.

I hope you will be able to make more informed choices and find someone who will accept you for all that you are.

What is the use of threatening to tell his wife now?

You may find it gratifying, but really you will be the one who gets hurt in the end.

It is going to make things uglier and you'll end up looking like the villain.

Are you ready for this and the inevitable pain that comes with it?

Is something bothering you? Do you need a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on? Thelma is here to help. Write to Dear Thelma, c/ o Star2, Menara Star, 15 Jalan 16/11, 46350 Petaling Jaya or e-mail [email protected].