Dear Thelma

I AM 48 and married, with two teenage children. My wife, who is 52, has changed in her behaviour. Could it be menopause?

She seldom talks to me even when I try to have a conversation with her. All she does is sit quietly and watch TV until late in the morning.

My wife sleeps in the sitting room and has not slept in the same room with me for years. She does not love me but just wants to stay on in the marriage so that she can escape being a spinster.

I'm the genius who plans everything for the family. I am self-employed and do all the housekeeping around the place.

Throughout the last 30 years, my friends have mostly been homosexuals and bisexuals who came and left. When I was younger, I had lots of male European friends who visited and tried to have sex with me. They tried to bring me out, but failed.

Lately, I find myself thinking of them. Life has become very quiet and whenever I feel lonely, I would think of having sex with someone of the same gender.

But it's very hard to find someone who likes me. It's not always about sexual desire. Even if the person were to come up and just give me a hug, I would be happy.

Can you tell me how to cope with my life? Was I born a homosexual, although in appearance, I'm just an ordinary man? I think that whatever I am was given to me by god, who knows me too well.

I have never been near another woman all these years. My wife is the only woman I've ever been involved with all my life.

Doctor Smith

ARE you a homosexual or a lonely man trapped in a cold marriage? As your wife has not been sharing your room and bed for years, menopause is not the cause of the breakdown of your relationship.

Your marriage broke down the day you stopped sharing. How can feelings survive when she prefers the idiot box to your company? You have two children, so you must have cared for each other in the early part of your marriage.

So what happened to cause such a wide rift between husband and wife? Are you truly a closet gay who was afraid to admit to your inner feelings and sexual preference? Perhaps your wife could sense that you never truly felt any love for her.

You need to be honest with yourself. Looking at the home situation, it must be tough on the kids to have parents who do not show feelings for or speak to each other. Until you resolve your marital problems, you will never be free to find out who you truly are, or what you really want.

Your circle of friends could have influenced your thoughts and created more confusion as you seem to be entangled in an emotional web. But you are not gay just because you have not been attracted to another woman except for your wife.

The saddest thing would be that you and your wife feel there has never been any love between you in all the years you have been together.

Have the courage to find out the truth about yourself. If you are a homosexual who wants to come out, then seek a divorce. Talk to your wife so that the two of you can live without guilt or regrets. Spare the children a household that is so lacking in love, warmth and passion.