FIVE years ago, we both joined a company which was setting up a new section. We started with casual conversations on chat and these went on for months.

I got to know A better and was attracted to his personality and character. I could talk to him about anything; he did not judge me but just listened and gave advice as he saw fit. As he warmed up to me, his conversations became personal too.

Everyone says A is good-looking, but it was his inner beauty that won me over. He would offer to give me a ride home when we went out with our colleagues. I wasn't sure if the chats and his actions were indications that he was willing to spend the rest of his life with me. I did not have the courage to ask him outright, so I asked him out for lunch, just the two of us.

The first time, he paid. I offered to pay if we should go out again. After several lunches, he seemed to be more open. A sometimes suggested places to eat. Once he took me to a noodle shop which he said was famous during his father's time. This was the first time he had spoke about his father and I took the opportunity to ask him more.

Then some colleagues saw us and the rumours started. I did not want such talk to affect our feelings and judgment, so I tried to choose places where we were unlikely to bump into people we know. I truly enjoyed our lunches and felt closer to him. I thought he did too.

Then A had to go away on an assignment for three months. We spoke very little during that time as I wanted to have a break from him. My feelings for him had grown deeper than I should have allowed and I didn't know if he felt the same way about me.

I was anxious and very cold towards him. I wanted him to make the first move when he came back. A offered me some chocolates which he had brought back. I was disappointed that it was all he had. I decided then to ask him how he felt about me and we ended up arguing on chat.

I found out that A was leaving the company and moving to another country. We chatted, but before he could inform me himself, I got an email about his farewell. When I asked him about it, he said he thought that I knew and apologised for not telling me.

We sat beside each other during his farewell lunch and he seemed to be his usual self, chatting and joking with me.

But I did not want to get all worked up again. I had become this unrecognisable person who flooded his SMS and mailboxes with incoherent messages all because of love. I did not like and could not recognise who I was becoming.

A left and I continued at the same company. My job takes me to where he works and during one such trip, a mutual friend asked both of us out. I smsed A not to come as I did not want to see him. But he showed up and even bought the entrance tickets to the place we were visiting.

He spent the weekend with us and I could not stop my feelings for him. I met A again when I went for another work trip. He asked me to call him again if I was ever in town. I decided not to because in order to move on I would need to stop seeing and talking to him.

After a few months of silence, A left a birthday message on my social network page. It was the first time he had ever wished me on my birthday but I took it as a gesture of friendship and nothing more.

I know A has returned to see his family a number of times and met up with colleagues from my office. I sometimes hope he will call me when he comes back but that has not happened. He has changed his mobile number, but did not give me the new one. His actions indicate that I made the right decision to stop seeing and talking to him.

Would I ever talk to him again? It is hard to say when it comes to matters of the heart. But there isn't a day that I do not think of him. I wonder whether he has found someone and if he thinks of me. I only find this emptiness that has to be filled.

I wish that I could be angry with A as that would be easier for me to move on, but somehow I can't be. I'm not saying he is not responsible for his actions - we all are, for whatever we do. I did all I could to find out how he felt but in the end I got hurt.

Hopeful

HOW would the poor fellow know how you felt when you were blowing hot and cold all the time? You seemed so concerned about guarding your love that you never actually revealed more than friendship even when the guy tried so hard to get you out of your protective shell.

Although you had the courage to date A and gave him glimpses of your soul and heart, you shied away from familiar faces. You preferred to enjoy your dates in places away from the prying eyes of colleagues. So perhaps A felt that you did not want to be seen with him.

When he was away for three months, you decided that you needed a break. What did you expect the poor fellow to think? He would be too fearful of rejection as you were so difficult to read. Regardless, he got you chocolates but you got upset instead. You ended up arguing, without letting the guy know exactly how you felt.

The cruncher must be telling him you did not want to see him when you went to the country where he is working in. He still turned up but you never gave him any encouragement. You never saw him again and kept your virginal silence.

When he sent you birthday greetings, you were politely cool. You decided then that it was better to move on and cut him out of your life.

A should not be blamed and held responsible when you've acted like an ice queen during all that time. No one could have read your mind and understood your intentions. You were simply too proud to show you cared. Or perhaps you are so afraid of love, of getting hurt, that you tried too hard to hide your heart.