What do women want? It's a question men have been asking since the first cave man discovered giving his mate a fur coat made her happy and warm. How to delve into the mind of the unknowable, and the unpredictable?
Many a man has come to me asking the same question: How do I make her happy?
It's easier than opening up a new jar of pickles, but harder than twisting a Rubik's Cube into the right shape.
What do women really want?
Making a woman happy is simple if you know what she wants. And what women want is to feel special, to feel loved, to be - courted.
On first thought, you may think of buying a gift, clothes perhaps? Stop. This is a minefield. Getting it wrong and buying a dress that is too big or too small sends the message: "I think you're fat". Ouch.
Anything that is a one-size-fits-all is a safer bet. Think jewelry, chocolate and flowers. An added bonus is that she can show it off to her friends, so send those roses to her office.
It's corny, it's cheesy, it works.
What do women really want?
Or mix it for her. Back in the day, hours were spent sitting by the radio waiting for that perfect song to come up so we could record it on our Walkmans. In the iPod generation, a quick search of "love songs" will bring up hundreds of selections that you can further narrow down by searching phrases like "you're the one" (over 50 choices). How can you miss with the superstars of love singing syrupy lyrics for your special lady. Wrap them all up in a playlist entitled "For My One And Only".
In today's cubicle culture where daily threats come not from pillaging barbarians, but from paper cuts at the copier station, there is rarely the opportunity for a man to save a damsel in distress.
In movies and in real life, women fall for the "conquering hero". Men in uniform (military or police, not janitorial or fast food) are the ultimate chick magnet. Even in the age of female empowerment, many women secretly wish to experience - even if it's just once - being "rescued" or at the minimum, have the man take care of the dinner bill.
Romance isn't something easily taught (save for the hundreds of self-help books at your local bookstore), so if you're law-abiding, slow on your feet, or hold a phobia about rats, skip to the last paragraph.
Now short of borrowing a policeman's uniform, here are a couple of simple but pre-arranged situations you can execute to show yourself deserving of her singular attention.
Take her out and create a scene in which you end up in a (faked) fight, preferably as the winner (Warning: This could well end badly). Try to avoid small, enclosed places to minimize the damage to property, yourself or her.
Another way to go is having scoured the local pet stores or behind the supermarket dumpsters; bring home a small rodent and while she's near but not watching, let it loose in the kitchen (Warning: This could end badly).
Your heroic actions in restoring world order will be like a fairy tale come true, she'll be delighted in having her own knight in shining armor come to the rescue (Warning: The effect is only temporary - very temporary).
And if all else fails, have a glass of wine, take a deep breath and with as much sincerity and charm as you can muster, use any of the following 100 percent guaranteed-to-make-her-happy phrases:
"You know honey, why don't you just relax and let me make dinner tonight?"
"Sweetheart, the game really isn't that important, I'd rather spend time with you."
"Here, you take the remote, as long as I'm with you, I don't care what we watch."
"I've been waiting to dance with you all night."
"You sure your mother can't stay another week?"
