CONSIDERING DEATH
It got so bad I contemplated ending my life about a month later. One night, when I was alone in John’s bedroom, I climbed out through a window and stood on its ledge five storeys up. With tears streaming down my face, I looked down, steeling myself to jump.

I had to end the pain. I hated myself for killing my baby and  knowing nothing I did would ever bring it back to life.

But my legs remained rooted to the ground. What if I didn’t die and ended up paralysed instead? I was jolted out of my thoughts when John and his mum shouted at me to get back into the house. After some resistance, I relented.

It must have been the last straw for John – he broke up with me right there and then, saying: “I don’t want to see you anymore.” I pleaded with him, but he refused to look at me and asked my sister to take me home. I felt betrayed that he left me during the darkest period of my life.

After this, I went for counselling at my church for about a month. Venting my feelings helped, but the relief was temporary and I stopped going. I wasn’t ready to let go of my emotional pain.

UNABLE TO MOVE ON
My life had no meaning after that. The smoking and the drinking got worse; I got a new job soon after in sales but I could barely concentrate. I also developed cramps after the abortion and consulted two doctors. Both said the pain was probably psychological and I was given Xanax (a drug usually used to treat anxiety) as a muscle relaxant.
   
Worst of all, I still looked to John  for emotional support. I yearned for us to get back together and would ask him to meet me. He’d agree sometimes as he felt responsible for my messed-up state. But when we hung out, he’d be cold. He wouldn’t hold my hand and treated me like a platonic friend. There were times he admitted that he still loved me but said he didn’t see a future for us because we were always fighting and I was unstable and terribly clingy.
   
When he was too busy to see me, I’d assume he was avoiding me and would send him a continuous stream of text messages to get his attention. Call me stupid; I knew I wanted to be with him no matter what but the irony was that my behaviour was pushing him away. I was behaving like a psychotic ex-girlfriend. But I couldn’t help it. I wasn’t in control of my emotions.

THE SECOND ATTEMPT
I never gave up on the idea of killing myself. I’d spend hours thinking about how to die painlessly.
   
Four months after the first suicide attempt, I tried ending my life again. It was after a bad quarrel with John. I sat in my car and started popping the pills in between gulps of alcohol.

I can’t remember how many I took but it was enough to make me lapse into a haze. In my semi-conscious state, I called a good friend and told him I was at the carpark next to John’s flat. I was too “high” to remember making the call. I just remember drinking and thinking I wanted to die so badly. But when I opened my eyes, I was in a hospital bed. My friend had called for an  ambulance.

I was under observation for two days and felt so weak I could barely eat. I was disappointed to still be alive – it meant I had to continue to trudge through all the c**p I was going through.
   
My parents and older sister started showing me more concern. Before this, they hadn’t known why I spent so much time in my bedroom. They also encouraged me to exercise and eat more healthily to regain my health.

THE TURNING POINT
Over the next few months, I started thinking about my past, before the abortion derailed my life. I used to be an adventure seeker. I used to do sports. I used to love life. I wanted my old life back. I wanted my old self back.
   
I started to shop online. I especially liked buying dresses and spent about $100 a month. Doing that gave me something to look forward to when I got home. The packages made going home a happier experience.
   
But my real source of motivation was a friend’s bucket list, a list of things he wanted to accomplish before he died. I happened to read it on his Facebook page at the end of 2008 and it hit me that I had wasted a good year of my life wallowing in self-pity.
   
I also noticed that my friends were leading interesting lives. One friend went to Antarctica for an expedition while some others were teaching English in Thailand. I felt envious! The world was moving on and I was still stuck.
   
So I penned my own bucket list and started tackling one goal at a time. In the last year and a half, I’m proud to say I’ve started diving and running again. I even completed a 10km run last year. I’m brushing up on German, a language I learnt at university. I’m finding joy again in doing the things I’ve always loved to do.

I’m also working on being a better daughter, friend and sister. This year, I’m planning to travel more and learn horse riding.

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