Q I am having a difficult relationship with my teenage daughter right now. She is very materialistic and does not settle for non-branded stuff. She procrastinates on things such as bathing, eating and doing her homework.

She is forgetful and cannot remember things that were said or taught just an hour or two ago. She throws her uniform, bag and books on the floor when she comes home from school.

She uses water and toilet paper excessively and takes a long time to shower (45 minutes) and change her clothes (30 minutes).

She gets distracted easily by things and people. She does her homework while listening to loud music, using her mobile phone and surfing the Internet. She does her homework only close to midnight every day.

She shouts and is very rude to us whenever we try to talk to her. She gets very upset when I enter her room to check on her without knocking the door.

A I am not sure if it is any consolation to you to know that many parents of teenage children probably experience some similar complaints you have listed.

Relationships between young people and their parents appear to be one of the key arenas for adolescent development. It is when many young people seek to break free from dependence on their parents and achieve independent status as autonomous adults.

That said, it is still important to create effective, clear and specific family rules to hold the family unit together. Hence, it is necessary to provide a foundation for learning responsibility, to develop mutual respect and to encourage age-appropriate independence.

With regard to making the relationship work, pick your battles. Do not sweat the small stuff. Understand that you cannot take control of the change in your child, but you can definitely control how you feel about some issues. Teach by example and communicate your expectations. Generally, most children do not want to disappoint their parents.

Be happy with small changes. Bigger milestones may come with encouragement. Look for any positive behaviour instead of focusing on only the negative ones.

Focus your energy on issues that are more critical for the well-being of the family and your child. Not all behaviours should ignite World War III in your household.

You do not want to appear petty and naggy, which will eventually result in your complaints becoming background noise to her.

Dr Carol Balhetchet, who answered this question, is director of Youth Services at Singapore Children's Society.

This article was first published in The Straits Times.