Q Last year, my husband was diagnosed with incurable cancer of the bladder. Following treatment, his condition is improved but not cured, and he is back at home. The doctor told him that the disease is "stable."

Everyone pats him on the back and says how well he is managing. But, how about me? He is feeling better, and I keep feeling worse. I don't like to bother our sons studying far from home, and I take care of my husband at home all by myself.

Thinking about our future, I become sad, and I'm also worried about financial problems that arise as a result of the illness. My husband doesn't like to talk about his illness and the future. He tells me to enjoy life now with him. It's so difficult for me to share my feelings with him. I feel isolated. What should I do?

Isolated

Dear Isolated:

It is comforting to hear that your husband's cancer is stable, and that he likes to enjoy life with you. No doubt, his attitude helps make the sorrow bearable for himself and most people around him.

Your need to change your lifestyle to meet the demands of the illness, and worries about the future are well-known areas of concern for partners of cancer patients like yourself.

To feel helpless is not unusual, because cancer is a disease filled with uncertainty, and it is this uncertainty that can make everything so stressful. To communicate effectively, you have to understand the different styles that you and your husband have for coping and adaptation to the illness.

If he doesn't wish to speak about his feelings, such preference on his part should always be respected. You might ask him what he might find helpful and then try to meet his needs. Unifying the family into a team that will work together can provide both practical and emotional support for each other, too.

Plan activities that promote sharing and contact, but are not too taxing for your husband, perhaps a meal at a favorite restaurant. However, it is also important for you to make your needs known, if you want to talk about your husband's illness. Express your concerns and problems to somebody who listens and pays attention to you.

You might benefit from some short-term, supportive counseling that helps to understand and manage the impact cancer is having on the family.

Ans Kobashi-Schoot, Clinical Psychologist