Barbara Yen, a marriage counsellor with 30 years’ experience on domestic issues, says emotional and financial security rank high on the mistress’ list.

“Her emotional needs could stem from a traumatic childhood, a broken and/or abusive relationship. Or she could have come from a broken family herself,” says Yen, who organises marriage education programmes for the Buddhist Gem Fellowship Counselling Unit in Kuala Lumpur.

ESTEEM ISSUES

Jaques notes that self-esteem is another issue. “Sometimes the woman sees herself as not worthy of (something) better. More often than not, this pattern could have evolved from her family background – her mother was the other woman. Or, as a child, she’d tried very hard to win her father’s affection, so as not to be rejected, like her mother.”

Some women have been abused and are so used to being in a secondary position, they cannot see that being a mistress puts them in a disadvantaged position. They think they have the advantage over the wife, Jaques adds.

In this year’s time.com report on the Top 10 Mistresses of all times, Jaimee Grubbs, who allegedly had an affair with Tiger Woods for 31 months, described their relationship as romantic.

Grubbs, who shares the list with Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, Marilyn Monroe, Monica Lewinsky, Amy Fisher and more, expressed “hurt” over the existence of other women in Woods’ life.

“We think a mistress is someone who settles for second best. But there are women who have it all – money, career, looks – yet still take that path. They may have low self-esteem, or may simply choose a man to fulfil another need, like power. They get the man’s attention and focus it on themselves,” says Jaques.

CIRCUMSTANTIAL REASONS

Then again, being the other woman can be the inevitable choice – for a single parent struggling to make ends meet, or someone who wants a swanky lifestyle without having to work for it. Or, she simply fell in love.

Some argue the emotional aspects of an affair. Loneliness could drive a woman into the arms of another’s husband. And when he in turn tells her that he’s fallen out of love with his wife; it was an arranged marriage; he’d stayed because of the kids; his wife is barren; they had stopped having sex, and he’s in love with her, guilt seldom figures in the picture.

Ultimately, it’s a matter of choice. However, for many wives, circumstances limit their options.

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