Dear Thelma

I AM a 38-year-old homemaker with two young children. I have been married for nine years.

My husband is a good-looking, wonderful man without any bad habits, a responsible father who works very hard for the family. He says I am a perfect wife, and I love him very much.

The problem is my marriage is sexless. In the last 10 years, we have made love fewer than 20 times.

It started on the first day of our marriage. We have seen doctors, psychiatrists and counsellors but nothing has worked. My husband is not physically unable but he just doesn't have the interest. When we do have sex, it’s a two-minute thing.

I can't take it any longer. I have waited and done enough. My husband acts like nothing is wrong. We never kiss, hold hands or even sleep together. I am dying for a physical relationship, the touch of a man.

A few months ago, I went into a rage over this. I cried and yelled and cursed him to death. He ignored me. I have thought of having an affair, but is that the answer to my problems?

I want a divorce. Am I crazy to divorce him for this one thing? I am broken-hearted, lonely, depressed and starting to lose interest in life. I don’t want to hurt my kids nor take them away them their dad. But I have started to hate him.

A Desperate Wife

HATRED, rage, frustration and resentment bode ill for your marriage. As long as your husband remains sexually dysfunctional, you will never be a happy wife.

You know that your husband loves you but he is simply incapable of expressing himself physically. Does your husband suffer any medical problems or phobias? Surely there must be some diagnosis from the professionals and specialists? If there is no medical or psychological solution, then you may have to accept that your husband can never be sexually or physically responsive.

You will have to decide if you want to walk away from a good husband and responsible father of your children because you are sexually deprived. Taking on a lover will bring on a separate lot of problems and issues. The betrayal, lies and deceit will soon tear your family and marriage apart. Can your children understand and accept your behaviour towards their father? Think of the consequences before you allow sex to take over good sense and rationality.

Some men need specific arousal and you will need to find out what really works for your man. Have you tried sex counselling? Perhaps you could try to stimulate your husband physically. Have you tried all the different ways to excite and arouse him? Read up, watch movies together, create romantic situations at home, in the bedroom or on a holiday by yourselves. Learn patience or ways to appease yourself sexually. Most importantly, you need to understand your husband. He is probably in deeper pain than you because he is unable to achieve full sexual arousal and give you total satisfaction.

Your pent-up anger and frustration might also have negative effects on your husband as he could probably sense your inner feelings. Having started putting him through the pressure mill since the start of your marriage, your husband could simply be afraid of the physical act that shows up his failure and inadequacy.

He is in obvious denial and acts as though your marriage is sweet and perfect. He has chosen to ignore your screams, curses and ravings because he does not want to accept this as a problem.

Divorce him if you feel that the physical and emotional ties are no longer there to bind your marriage. But if you love him, give your relationship some time. Hopefully, you can help him to regain his confidence and prowess in bed. Make him feel loved, needed and desired. Never belittle him or say hurtful words that you could never take back. While there is no immediate cure for his problem, try your best to be a good, loving wife before you give up.

The Star/Asia News Network