MANY married women have a secret.

Most of the time, they may be happy to be known as Mrs So-and-so, the wife of Mr X, or the mother of A, B and C.

But get them together with a group of other women, and they often revert to using their maiden names.

It’s a phenomenon I have witnessed time and again, at social gatherings and at women-only seminars.

An acquaintance of mine even announced publicly, with her loving family, friends and colleagues present, that she was henceforth reverting to using her maiden name.

It had been mentioned, too, that one of the reasons why table- tennis star Li Jiawei is attracted to her fiance is that they share a similar surname.

I remember, a few years after getting married, spending a whole morning with the married female office manager at my workplace, discussing what surname I would use.

We explored all the possible combinations, including the clumsy hyphenated form.

Even then, we couldn’t quite agree on whether it should be maiden name-hyphen-married name, or the other way round.

The problem with using my husband’s name was that it was alliterative with mine. That made me sound like a cabaret act.

Finally, my colleague said:

“Well, I’ve always used my own name.” I took her advice, and I’ve never regretted it.

There was a time when it was a matter of great pride and accomplishment for a woman to be able to introduce herself as “Mrs” rather than “Miss”.

In that one word, she could announce to the world that she was a woman of substance.

Taking on her husband’s name was also a sign that she had left her birth family, and now belonged to her husband’s clan.

Nowadays, though, women are less and less in need of relying on the borrowed status and security of husbands and clans.

With many women establishing their careers before marriage, they may be loath to change the name that they have become known by.

For my part, there’s never been a doubt that my family comes first.

I have no problem with others using the tag, “Mr and Mrs XYZ” when it’s clear that we are being addressed as a couple.

Nor do I object to my children taking on my husband’s surname.

After all, it helps to keep things simple.

But keeping the use of my own name over the years has allowed me to maintain my identity, apart from being someone’s wife, mother or daughter- in-law.

Keeping our own names signals that both my husband and I view marriage as an equal partnership.

I’m proud, too, of my family- of-origin, and I see no reason to turn my back on the name and upbringing that have helped to make me who I am today.

If women were encouraged to keep their identities and ties to their families-of-origin after marriage, perhaps there would be fewer reasons to prefer boys over girls.

An old acquaintance rang me recently, asking for an update on the family. When she, a single woman living in Canada, heard that my brother’s second child was a boy, she commented triumphantly:

“At last, someone to carry on your father’s family name.”

I was at a loss for a reply. I know that there will be some who will disagree with me.

But I also know that there will be quite a few who feel the same way.

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