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updated 13 Oct 2013, 23:06
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Tue, Oct 08, 2013
The Straits Times
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Saying 'I do' after 10 years
by Eve Yap

This Friday, bridal boutique owner Renee Leung and Mr John Leung, a vice-president of sales at an Internet software firm, will say: "We do."

The affair is a grand one with some 300 guests at Capella Singapore. The bride has four, and the groom three, outfits for the Great Gatsby-themed celebration. They will say their self-penned vows and exchange rings and rev into the ballroom for dinner on his Harley-Davidson.

One of the highlights is a song-anddance performed by their daughter Calista and her friends. Yes, their daughter.

The eight-year-old girl, who was born two years after they got married 10 years ago, says: "It's going to be very exciting because it's like I'm going back in time to see my parents get married."

Rather than wait for their 25th or 50th wedding anniversaries - the traditional big silver and gold milestones - Mr and Mrs Leung and some other couples SundayLife! talked to are opting to mark their 10th year together, complete with vow renewals.

Says Mr Leung, 45: "You tend to take for granted what you promised each other 10 years ago. Saying the vows again reaffirms and reminds you of the significance of your promises to each other."

Mrs Leung, 39, adds: "My husband and I do fight. But saying the vows we made on our wedding day reminds us of how happy we can be. Besides, we love a good party."

The couple, who also have a younger daughter, Nicolette, four, live in an apartment in Indus Road.

Their wedding was just as grand. It was in English style, for her Manchester-born husband, and guests attended in formal gowns, suits and hats. Will they mark 25 years in a big way too?

Mrs Leung says: "Yes, we love seeing people happy and enjoy the wow factor."

Given the high divorce rates here in recent years, married couples say that lasting a decade is an achievement.

The Statistics On Marriages And Divorces showed that the number of divorces and annulments fell by 4.8 per cent to 7,241 last year, the first drop in seven years.

Housewife Vera Tan, 44, says: "That marriages last 10 years these days is amazing because couples today are less tolerant of each other. Divorce comes easier and you never know when life takes you away."

On their 10th anniversary seven years ago, she and her husband Chee Heng Loon, 53, a general manager, said their wedding vows in church for the first time.

When they got married in 1996, they wanted it to be a casual affair. So they went through only the solemnisation at the Registry of Marriages, followed by a hotel lunch for about 30 family members and friends.

Four times as many guests celebrated their 10th anniversary with them in church. Ms Tan had six or seven bridesmaids and there was a four-tier wedding cake and lots of balloons.

They had become Christians since getting married and wanted something more meaningful.

Their sons, Kye Foong, then nine, and Chun Ren, then four, were joint ring bearers. Their daughter Pi Chin, then six, was the flower girl.

Ms Tan's "teary-eyed" father, Mr Tan See Bee, 70, walked her down the aisle.

Mr Tan, a grandfather of six who has been married for 47 years, says: "This time, the grandchildren were involved. It's nice that their marriage lasted 10 years because many marriages don't last long."

Ms Tan, the elder of two daughters, says: "It was more drama, more fanfare and more emotional. It signified a new life for both of us."

Her family, which now includes youngest son, Ti Ern, three, live in a terrace house in Upper Bukit Timah.

National University of Singapore sociologist Paulin Straughan says that vow renewal is a practice of the past three or four years, "partly due to initiatives by profamily sectors to get couples to rethink their commitment".

Ms Straughan, who will mark 23 years of marriage today with a family dinner, adds: "Modern marriages face tremendous challenges and it is indeed hard work to keep the couplehood fresh and relevant."

Madam Zaleha Ahmad, centre director of Marriage Hub at the Association of Muslim Professionals, says 10 years is a "good time for a review of the ups and downs" of marital ties.

Referring to the metal used to signify a 10th anniversary, Madam Zaleha, who is in her 40s, adds: "The pliability of tin is a symbol of how a successful marriage needs to be flexible and durable and how it can be bent without breaking."

Marital and family therapist Benny Bong, 56, says couples need to "get away from a sense of embarrassment" that marking a decade is not as significant as, say, marking two decades or more together.

Having spent 10 years together, couples "know the score", he says, referring to friction and tough times they have weathered.

"Yet they are happy together. Guests witnessing their happiness may think, 'What's their secret? What's missing in our marriage?'" says Mr Bong.

Engineer Joachim Adrian, 34, says: "People should do 10th, 20th and 30th anniversaries, and so on.

"They should mark the celebrations in as big a way as they can afford, as a confession of their love for each other, having gone through so much together."

He and his wife, Maria Charlene Tham, have indeed been through much in the 10 years they have been married.

Her first pregnancy was a high-risk one and doctors said there was a chance that either the mother or child would not make it. But both survived.

The family was also financially strapped for a time, surviving from month to month on just Mr Joachim's income.

The couple are planning a dinner at Shallots, a restaurant in Marina Square, for 60 family members and friends on Dec 26, the eve of their anniversary day.

They originally wanted a grand reception at a Sentosa hotel, with daughters Kayla Lee, now eight, and Nicole Gracie, two, tossing flower petals as they walked down the aisle. But they "shrank" the budget three times to the present $5,000, says Mr Joachim.

They will print out a list, 10 Things I Learnt In The 10 Years Together, to be placed on their guests' tables.

One item on his list: "Don't argue with the wife."

On hers, "Silence is not always golden", because not talking about hurtful words or deeds may lead to one party "building a wall of defence".

More significantly, they will be repeating vows, which they composed themselves, to each other.

Says Ms Tham, 33, a housewife: "We have lived through the words - in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer. So now we will each write our own vows, which we will say to each other on Dec 26."


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