"The general perception is that abortion is very female-oriented, but men, like myself, do have to live with the pain or even, guilt."

Ms Tan says she is aware of Kevin's feelings.

"But it wasn't like I didn't feel guilty or sad. I think I merely suppressed those feelings and refused to give it much thought."

Until three years ago, when Ms Tan found out she was pregnant again. Again, she wasn't ready.

"I had just been told I was being considered for a promotion at the bank and I felt a pregnancy then would have impacted my career path in the wrong way. I just wasn't prepared to lose (the promotion)," she says.

And to ensure she was not making another wrong move, she shared the news of her pregnancy with her boyfriend.

Ms Tan laughs derisively, and then says: "I was a coward. I wanted him to be the one (to decide) so I didn't have to live with another burden of guilt. Deep in my heart, I knew he'd say give it up because he's always made it clear he doesn't like kids."

The recurring nightmares came six months after that abortion.

"I'd dream of crying babies, asking me 'mummy, why did you kill me?', or that of a baby with outstretched arms asking to be carried. It was terrible," she says with a shudder.

"It was also then that all my guilty feelings surfaced and I nearly broke down."

After sinking into depression for several weeks, she finally confided in an aunt, who promptly advised to seek help - in a religious ritual that will lead the infant spirits to rest and give them a chance for reincarnation.

Says Ms Tan: "After two rituals - one for the first two abortions and another for the third - I felt somewhat better and the nightmares have recurred less often."

When asked if she had considered giving them up for adoption then, she shakes her head firmly.

"No, definitely not. For one, I didn't want to go through the nine months of being in a pregnant state, people are bound to gossip about me behind my back.

"And I would not want to go on with my life, wondering about the babies I had given away, or for them to turn up one day, asking for a reunion. I didn't want to take my chance then."

But she would lead a different sex life if she could turn back the clock.

"I'd insist on my partner using some form of contraception, since I'm allergic to the Pill," she says. "And that's what I do now."

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