Dear Thelma,

After putting off this letter for seven years, I'm finally writing to you. I have issues with my husband and it all started when I was pregnant with my first child. We had been married less than two years at that time. He started receiving a lot of SMSes and calls at night. Since he's dealing with property development, his excuse was that home owners contacted him only when they got home. I didn't think much of it, but later, I noticed that he was smiling while reading these SMSes. He also returned the calls only when he was in the bathroom or balcony.

After the birth of our child, the late night rallies went on. I monitored his phone and found out that it was his office colleague, S.

One night, he returned after a late drinking session with his colleagues (this happens even till this day). When he was in the shower, I checked and found a suggestive SMS from him to S. I confronted him and he said that he was just advising her on her problem with her boyfriend.

The same scenario went on for five years. All the while, he kept insisting that she was just a friend. But his excuses were shaky and his actions suspicious. He changed her name to a guy's name on his phone. He would also delete any of her incoming/outgoing SMS/email.

The final straw was in 2010 when I found pictures of S in her underwear on his laptop. When I confronted him, he said that it's just porn for him. Apparently, he stole it from her office computer. But I found several email in which they discussed that particular photo.

It was always this particular girl. On the same day that I found the photos, I also discovered several sexually laced email between them, which had been going on for years. Which means when he promised to stop all the calls, the conversation continued online!

Initially, he apologised, but soon after, he gave me an ultimatum: to stay or leave the marriage. Later, he felt guilty and tried to pacify me. He said he resorted to stealing the photos because I wasn't giving him "enough". I was already heartbroken and he drove a knife further into my back.

After the birth of my second child in 2009, I had problems with my womb.

As it were, he already doesn't accompany me very often for my check-ups, and now he says I have failed him as a wife!

I wanted to call S and clarify the situation but my husband wouldn't let me, insisting that she was an innocent victim. He said that he had not slept with her and the photos were just for entertainment. Yet he had been lying to me for years.

We finally sat down and worked out a compromise. I asked for date nights, and for him to be open and honest with me.

Since my husband and S are colleagues, and can't avoid each other, I asked that he remain professional with her. Everything was rosy for a few months. Then later, I found out that his phone bills revealed that he was still calling her at ungodly hours.

I fell in love with a man who was open and honest, whom I thought would never hurt me. Just as recent as three weeks ago, I found another email from S to him. Now he says I'm paranoid and unsecure. These days, he doesn't even admit his mistakes or apologise but instead, blames me for being suspicious.

I am mentally and physically tired of our constant arguments. I am at my wits' end. I can't bring myself to accept his excuses anymore. What do I do?

Wounded

Your psychological distress is understandable. Your husband has been lying to you. He may or may not be having sexual affairs with other women. He should understand your situation. When you were ill, instead of sympathising with you and being supportive, he says you've failed him as a wife. He derides your efforts to spend time with him.

It is unfair for him to blame you for his behaviour. He must take responsibility for his actions. He completely fails to acknowledge that it was his behaviour that drove you to be suspicious. He seems to have done very little to alleviate your suspicions. It also seems that every time you try to believe him, he does something that throws you off completely. Then you are back to square one, only more hurt than you were before.

The question is, what would it take for you to trust him again? Do you want him to quit his job? Or, would it suffice if he stops going out late or travelling so often? You must realise that he may do all these things and you can still remain suspicious. While it is your husband's responsibility to get you to trust him again, you must also be willing to accept his "new" behaviour.

Maybe it is time to sit down and figure out what your husband wants. What does he expect of you and your relationship? Where does he see your marriage heading? If there is a possibility to agree on something, you can work towards that. Bear in mind that compromises may be necessary and both of you would have to work at them to meet somewhere in the middle.

Ultimately, though, you will find the answer to your question by figuring out what you want.

What do you get out of this marriage? What would you get out of continuing your relationship? What would you get if you decided to end things?

Sometimes, it may be difficult to decide what you want when there are so many emotions in the way. As much as you want a resolution to your situation, feelings like anger, jealousy and suspicion will act to cloud your judgement. You may want to consider counselling to resolve these emotions. It may be good for you to defer any decision until you sort these feelings out.

Make sure you have plenty of support from family and friends. It may help to hear from them what they think about your husband and the relationship. Sometimes, they may see things that you don't. And, not just the bad ones.

You have remained with him for seven years. Surely, there was a really good reason for you to have done so. Maybe you should take stock of that. If you have decided otherwise, though, it may be good for you to check with some lawyers.

Is something bothering you? Do you need a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on? Thelma is here to help. Write to Dear Thelma, c/o Star2, Menara Star, 15, Jalan 16/11, 46350 Petaling Jaya or e-mail [email protected]