It would have been a deal-breaker if divorcee Jamilah Rahmad’s new partner or children from her first marriage had been unable to accept each other.
The 40-year-old secretary was very clear that her daughter, 14, and son, 12, were her priority.
She was also not looking for romance after her marriage of eight years ended about six years ago.
But a former colleague, Mr Mumad Zin Atan, 43, touched her with his sincerity.
Though her teenage daughter never said so, Madam Jamilah knew she had hoped her divorced parents would reconcile. “She’s closer to her dad so maybe she felt threatened by my new husband,” she said. “Maybe she was afraid I wouldn’t love her any more.”
Mr Zin, a digital imaging firm supervisor, worked to build a bond with the children. After four years of courtship, the pair wed in October last year. It is his first marriage.
He said: “I tell her daughter that I cannot replace her father but I can be her friend. The bond was not built overnight but I never gave up. Our relationship has improved.”
With the number of divorces rising steadily, there is a sizeable number of divorced people in their 30s and 40s, young enough to give marriage another shot.
And with remarriage gaining acceptance, more are tying the knot again.
Overall, one in four marriages last year involved couples with at least one partner remarrying. This is up from one in five in 2001.
There were 6,943 such couples last year, almost 60 per cent more than the 4,385 a decade ago.
The trend was more pronounced among civil marriages.
Among Muslims, the proportion of remarriages is similar to what it was 10 years ago.
Marriage experts surmise that with divorces rising more sharply for civil unions than Muslims in the last decade, the increase in civil remarriages has naturally followed.
Various efforts to strengthen marriage and stem divorce among Muslims in recent years may also have resulted in more stable marriages, said counsellors.
And perhaps more Muslim single mothers now feel they can stand on their own two feet and do not feel they need to find a new spouse in a hurry to support them, said Ms Fazlinda Faroo, centre manager of PPIS Vista Sakinah, which runs marriage preparation classes for remarrying couples.
Overall, more divorced men remarry than women. But counsellors note that the stigma associated with divorced women is easing and more of them are remarrying too.
Last year, 14 per cent of all brides were divorcees, up from 10.7 per cent in 2001.
Said Mr Jonathan Siew, centre manager of Care Corner Counselling Centre: “In the past, society tended to see divorced women like they had a problem, like they were not good women and that’s why their marriages failed.
“But now, people are more open and understanding. They see divorce as a relationship problem and not because of personal flaws.”
Counsellors say more divorced men than women remarry because women usually focus on raising their children after a divorce, whereas newly-single men find it harder to be alone.
Counsellors caution that remarriages have their challenges, especially if there are children from the earlier union. This is often a source of conflict for the new couple.
Mr Arthur Ling, director of Touch Family Services, said: “Many parents feel that with time, their children will accept their new partner. But children have to grieve and accept the end of their parents’ marriage before they can accept the step-parent.
“So their needs have to be attended to, instead of being swept under the carpet.”
The problems are more complicated if both partners have children from a previous marriage or if the ex-spouses sow discord.
To prepare couples for the realities of a second marriage, the Registry of Muslim Marriages has mandated remarrying couples who meet certain criteria, such as those with children under 21 years of age, to attend preparation classes.
Madam Jamilah and her new husband picked up step-parenting skills from the course run by PPIS Vista Sakinah.
For example, she knows she has to be the main disciplinarian in the house as her children may not accept Mr Zin’s authority.
She added: “We kept talking to the children, asking them how they feel and slowly my daughter accepted Zin. Zin has a very big heart and he will always try to make people happy.”
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