MY daughter who is two plus is very active. She refuses to heed any of my instructions or advice. She acts like she does not care. Her responses drive me nuts. I get angry with her easily. I would raise my hand on her but regret my actions later. She does not clear her toys after playing with them. What is the best way to cope with my active toddler and instil some discipline in her? - Concerned Mother
After the first year, most parents look forward to an easier time with their toddlers, only to find that the second year is fraught with more exasperating moments than they had bargained for.
As toddlers become more independent, they want to be in control. When they want something, they want it immediately. They change their minds quickly too.
Your toddler will insist on having her share of everything that she sees the adults doing. She does not take "No" for an answer, yet she responds to any request with a "No."
She has changed from a sweet, relatively compliant baby to a toddler version of "Ivan the Terrible."
Your toddler will get into everything in the house. She climbs onto every piece of furniture and throws anything she gets her hands on. She leaves her toys lying on the floor after she has played with them.
Before you get angry with your child for not listening to you, consider what your toddler understands. Her priorities are different from yours.
She does not understand adult values and expectations unless you tell her or show her how things should be done. You may have unwittingly taught her to ignore you. At times when she wants you to listen to her, you brush her off because you are busy with something else. She learns how to listen and pay attention to what other people say from her interactions with you.
If you can provide a role model as a good listener, she will learn to emulate you. Never force your child to do something. Instead, show her how to do it.
Say to her: "Watch how I put away the plates after drying them." After you have finished, let her have a go and say: "Now you try it."
Your toddler will become more resistant if you keep insisting that she changes her behaviour. Instead of telling her what she has done wrong, show her how she can do it right.
She need not feel remorse for her actions but she can learn to do the right thing the next time round.
Focus on the important things she needs to learn. To get your toddler to listen to you, you must give a reason for what you want her to do. You can tell her: "You need to pick up the toys so that we can start preparing for dinner."
If she refuses to do that, then you can say: "If the toys are still lying on the floor, you cannot get to help me prepare dinner."
Toddlers need to know the connection between their actions and what is going on around them. You have to tell them about the effects of their actions. You may have to repeat many times before your child understands and changes her negative behaviour.
You need to be assertive but kind when you talk to your child. Be clear and specific with your instructions.
Give choices only when you are ready to accept a "No" from your child. Otherwise tell her: "I want you to put away the toys." And not, "Do you want to put away the toys now?"
Remain calm and in control at all times when you are dealing with your daughter. If you feel angry and out-of-control, it is better to walk away. Your child learns from your behaviour. Hitting her will only lead to more use of physical force to solve problems for both parent and child.
Sometimes a little compromise on both sides can go a long way in helping your toddler to learn discipline. Whenever possible, show her how you use compromise to make your relationships work.
If picking up all the toys overwhelms her, you can say: "I will pick up the toys at this corner, while you pick up the ones in that corner. When we do it together, things get easier."
