WHEN it comes to instilling discipline in kids, where do you draw the line between draconian and wimpy?

I struggle with this question more than ever, now that my elder son, Julian, is four – going on five – years old. Not a day goes by without an altercation of some sort, or a contest of wills.

Just the other day, at my parents’ home, I asked Julian to go back to the table and finish his dinner.

“I’m full,” he replied, prancing around with his cousin Rachel. “Come back and eat some more. You’re not finished,” I countered.

As I reached out for him, he went into a paroxysm of defiance, flailing his arms and elbows about, while stamping his feet, like an irritating little chicken on speed.

“Let me go! Let me go!” he yelled insolently, while I tried to level with him in increasingly loud tones.

To make things worse, my mother – ever loving and doting Grandma – tried to shield the boy.

In the end, I had to grab him by the wrists until he calmed down, before hauling him back to our flat. Back home, in his room, he sat tearfully while I lectured him about doing as he was  told.

I then instructed him not to leave the room until I told him he could do so.

Five minutes later, I came in and he was still sitting on his bed, staring mournfully at the ceiling. I made him call Grandma on her mobile phone to let her know that he was all right (in case she was worried that I had murdered him).

He chirped happily into the phone, delivering his news excitedly: “I’m fine, Grandma! My punishment was to sit in my room for five minutes!”

I could only marvel at how fast he seemed to have recovered from his ordeal. Was my discipline method effective at all? Did the message – not to be rude, to come when called – sink in?
I’m sure I’m not alone in saying this: Every time my son sasses me, I die a little inside. If other working mums can raise perfectly well-adjusted, obedient children, then am I approaching  y parenting job all wrong?

Parenting experts may advocate attachment parenting, reasoning that as long as parents govern their children with a firm, fair and fun hand, their children will naturally gravitate towards them.

Disciplining becomes easier as the children crave approval and affection. Withhold those benefits and they will comply.

These days, I’m wondering if it might all be a nice theory.

Stand too firm with Julian and he turns into a mirror, reflecting my cold parental stance back at me. Too lax, and he runs amok,
ignoring me when I try to talk to him.

Besides, I am wary of trotting out that old chestnut: “Listen to me, because I’m your mother.” If one wants to foster unthinking clones, that would be the surest way to go. Why shouldn’t my children be able to use their logic and question me i f I’m wrong? And why shouldn’t I apologise to them if I make a mistake?

Some people might think this is wrong-headed liberalism. That said, disciplining kids is hard work. I have realised that there is no one-size-fits-all solution.

Each day comes with a new challenge; what worked at 48 months is sorely outdated by 60 months. Back to the drawing board, then, when it comes to keeping Julian on the path of good manners.

And, to answer the question I asked myself when I started writing this column: Sometimes, one just has to draw a very long, meandering line.

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