My parents used to fight daily when I was kid. As a result, I had a very bad impression of my dad because whenever they fought, he would put the blame on me as I supported my mum.
All these problems burdened me from the time I was five years old, until one day, I fought with dad and stopped talking to him for about three years. During that period I realised we'd never had a true father-daughter relationship, but I ignored the matter.
The problem now is that I'm always attracted to older, married men. I really cannot resist my feelings for them.
When I was in high school I had a crush on a male teacher who cared for me. Whenever I was with him I felt secure and loved. Those feelings are hard to explain.
I have left school now, but I'm still attracted to married men, usually those in their mid-40s. Their maturity and intelligence impress me. Thank god I've never had the guts to tell them so, due to my physical appearance - I'm fat.
I'm really worried that I may not control my feelings, and I fear ending up marrying an older man.
It is possible that your attraction to older men could be due to your seeking a father figure. It could also just be that you're looking for someone who will give you a sense of security.
Older men may seem more financially stable, and they are wiser from the experiences they have gained in life. Older, married men have also shown you that they are committed to a relationship. And this suits you because you want a father figure in your life who encompasses all these attributes.
These are not necessarily sexual in any way. It is just that as a young adult, your feelings may be confused with sexual attraction. This is understandable. What you need to remember is that your needs are more emotional and psychological, than sexual.
There is little wrong with having feelings for older and/or married men. It is what you do about these feelings that is important. Would you act on them? You say that you are held back by your physical appearance. Would it be different if you were slim?
You need to bear in mind that these men have wives and families of their own. If you pursue a relationship with men like this, you are only punishing yourself because you are subjecting yourself to a life of lies and cheating. You could also kid yourself into thinking that you can have a future with such a life.
You have a mind and can think about what is right for you and your life. Think about what you want for your future and focus on that. You deserve nothing less.
As for your attraction to them, good on you for identifying it as a problem. Better yet, you seem to have identified the root of your problem. To truly address this, you are going to have to work on your relationship with your father. You could choose to pursue that now, if it is possible.
It will also be good for you to invest in counselling or therapy. Speak to a mental health professional to help you work through some of the issues that you have identified, and maybe even others that are lurking beneath the surface. Give yourself time and be patient.