My husband is abusive and difficult to live with. Our marriage was arranged and we have four children, all under the age of 10. We do not seem to love each other and he has become violent over the last 10 years. I have decided to take a Personal Protection Order to protect myself and our children. My husband's behaviour is not getting any better and I wonder what I should do.

People tell me I should listen to my heart, but what if my heart tells me to leave him? I am a Christian and I do not believe my church would encourage me to leave my husband.

Nimala

It is not easy to live in fear and uncertainty with a husband who tends to be violent and abusive.

It does seem that you have endured this situation for a long time and I do wonder how much longer you can bear with this without further harm to you.

Sometimes people have a wedding and think this automatically means there is a marriage. The two may not be the same.

Unfortunately, there are men and women who might have had a wedding but there is hardly any bonding relationship between them.

They may function as a couple, live together and even bear children. Yet, they could be emotionally, sexually and spiritually estranged from each other.

In your case, there is even a lack of love, with violence involved. This makes me wonder if there is already some kind of divorce between the two of you.

What concerns me is that you have been hurt and could be hurt further. There is no guarantee that even with the protection order your husband will not threaten to harm you again.

I believe you need to seriously consider your own safety. This may involve believing that no one has the right to inflict pain on you, especially a husband who is supposed to care for and protect you.

You also need to protect your children from being witnesses to spousal violence. They do not need to learn that violence is acceptable in life and in family relationships.

Since you are a Christian, I believe having a spiritual relationship with God can be a healing resource for you. Prayer and meditation can give you strength and solace and I would urge you to keep your faith.

However, you may need to know that while the church may discourage or even disallow divorce, your situation is different as it involves violence and abuse.

You need to seek your well-being and that of the children. Maybe you can try to persuade your husband to seek counselling.

In the end, if you wish to have a happy ending, I think you can find it by seeking a new beginning for yourself and the children.

This article was first published in The Sunday Times on Jan 11, 2009.