DEAR THELMA

I HAVE known my boss, K, since 2005. He is in his early 40s and I'm in my mid-20s.

I'm in love with K as he's the kind of guy I want to get married to. He is generous and took care of me and my family. He is funny, too.

We work at the same place and did everything together. We ate, shared, laughed, cried. However, he did not share his personal life with me.

At the start of our relationship, I could sense K liked me because he would be jealous whenever a guy tried to woo me. We had big arguments over that. He said he loved me so much. I was confused and assumed we had moved to the next level.

I knew he was married and had two children. But I thought he was a divorcee because after work, we always hung out together until midnight.

One day, his wife phoned and I answered the call. She asked me to transfer the line to her husband, K. I was shocked and confronted him. He admitted he's married but said they had separated.

I felt K had used me for his own pleasure and was messing with my feelings.

Once, I visited him at the hospital. He told me not to go before 8pm because he wanted to rest. I went earlier and saw a woman leaving his room with a boy. When I asked about them, he said they were his "relatives".

Then the pair returned with some food. The boy said, "Papa, mummy bought this porridge for you." I was so angry.

Now K seems to be avoiding me. Whenever I ask him out, he refuses and says crowded places make him sick and dizzy.

I started to "investigate" him through Facebook, and saw many photos of him with his wife and kids at wedding dinners. Why did he lie to me?

I'm holding myself back from having a relationship with other guys. I love K too much; I feel like I'll be cheating on K if I do so. We see each other at work every day and he's still my boss.

Unlucky girl

NO one can speak for K's motive except himself. Unless you ask him yourself, it is quite futile trying to figure out why he did what he did.

Understandably, you feel deceived, hurt and angry. This will take some time but you will start to feel better, or at least different, over time. You just need to allow yourself the space for this.

But in order for this to happen you will have to figure out what you want.

You say K is the kind of man you would like to marry. He showed you attention; it was quite flattering that he was jealous of other men who were out to woo you.

He looked after you and provided for your family. He also comes with a wife and children. Is this something you want in your life too?

Unless he is determined to get a divorce - which he does not show any sign of doing - you are going to have to move on. There will be hurt. You have to decide if this is better or worse than the alternative.

You can either change jobs or continue working in the same office. Changing jobs may seem inviting, but you will have to look for another that is as good as, if not better than, your current one. You will also have to adapt to your new workplace.

If you are happy to change jobs and go through the effort of adapting, this is a path you can take.

If you really like your job, you may want to remain where you are. You would then have to change your perceptions and look at K in a professional way and maintain a work relationship.

It may be uncomfortable at first. Unless it is a company event, socialising with him will have to stop. And, yes, you have to stop scoping him on Facebook. On top of causing you a lot of grief, it is not very productive use of your time.

You have an opportunity here to take charge of your life and make some changes to steer it in the direction you want. Focus on your work.

It will be good for you to start seeing other guys too, to explore possibilities of a real relationship.

Remember, one of the cornerstones of a healthy relationship is honesty. It is also a sign of respect for you and your relationship.