Dear Thelma

MINE was a love marriage. Initially, my parents were against it, but due to their love for me, they eventually gave us their blessings.

Before the wedding, my husband was very loving and caring. But after a couple of months, he began to find reasons to quarrel with me, and use harsh words and violence. I was already pregnant by then and could not discuss my problems with my parents.

My husband got involved with someone and started spending most of his time with her. I begged him not to leave me, for the sake of our child, but my pleas fell on deaf ears. After suffering pain, frustration and loneliness for one-and-a-half years, I went back to my parents' house.

We've been separated for three years now and he has never visited us. Although we're not divorced, he has married the other woman and they have a child.

I lodged a police report but was told to go to the Registrar of Marriage, which summoned both of us for counselling twice, separately. When he failed to show up for a third session, I was granted consent to divorce him.

My problem has affected my self-confidence and pride, and my parents' health. How long can I depend on them for financial aid?

A year after our wedding, my husband had forced me to take a personal bank loan. He assured me he would settle it. Recently, the bank informed me that the unsettled loan has accumulated to twice its original amount.

My husband is free of responsibility and enjoying himself while I have to shoulder all the burdens. What should I do?

After Love

YOU can seek legal advice concerning the debt but there is little you can do since the loan was drawn in your name. Sorry, but you have married a jerk who cheated on you too soon after your marriage.

Frankly, there is little point in harping on the past. Indulging in anger against your ex and feeling like a fool will not help. Think now of life ahead with your child and consider the options available to you.

You need a job and money to carry on. If the loan is draining you, try asking the bank about a moratorium. If you leave a bad debt, you will have problems getting loans in future.

View your marriage as a hard knock in life. Regrets and bitterness will only drag you down. Draw strength from your love for your child and drive yourself to do better instead of hoping for miracles.

As your ex will not do anything to help you, cut him out of your life. Be pragmatic for you cannot depend on your parents forever.

Get a job or learn some skills. Check out the Internet for single mothers' support groups so that you can share your fears and doubts. Get over the hurt and pain, and start afresh.

You are young and can still find love again. It is important that you have courage to fight for your future with your baby because no one else can do this for you. Never give up on yourself.