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Diva
updated 11 Sep 2011, 08:34
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Sun, Sep 11, 2011
The Star/ANN
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Like is not love - Choosing between 2 men

FOUR months ago, I broke up with my boyfriend of five years. I'm 26. Six months ago, I got to know A, who is in his late 30s. Physically, he is good-looking and has everything I am looking for.

A was there for me when I broke up with my ex - the way he hugged me made me feel so safe and warm. We have been intimate. We meet up once a week but not always for the intimate stuff. Sometimes it's just dinner and movies. When we're together, A treats me well.

I miss him a lot but I don't know if that's because I like him or I just want a companion since there has been no one special after the breakup.

A did say he wants to date me but can't as he has unresolved issues with his ex - they were together for nine years - which have been dragging for a year now. He doesn't have the time to maintain a proper relationship and is not the type who wants marriage.

I always wish that my phone would buzz because A called. I am a shy girl and don't usually talk to people I do not know.

But with A, I feel so comfortable even from the first time. I feel like I've been with him for a really long time. The most scary part is I have a sixth sense about him that I never had with my ex.

There is another guy, B, also in his 30s, who I know really likes me for three years now. He liked me when I was with my ex, and still does today. He's big-sized like my ex, but not as good-looking as A.

B treats me very well and is financially stable as well. The problem is that he works in another country. He came back last month just for me and spent a few thousand during those few days. He has asked me to be intimate with him but I refused because I don't feel that way about him yet. And I was thinking of A while I was with B.

Also, I do not have much confidence in long-distance relationships. I'm scared that if I get emotionally attached to B, I will be very sad when he's not here when I need him. Besides, I do not know when can we see each other again - I don't like the idea of seeing my boyfriend once every few months.

B is someone I have known for years but we didn't have a chance to really get to know each other until recently. That is also why I couldn't be intimate with him. But I am not sure why I could with A.

The feelings are just different. I feel warm and comfortable with A; with B, I only feel okay. But I know B is serious about me and he's the marrying type.

Do I miss A because I've been intimate with him? Do I tell him about B? Do I ask A if he would wants to be serious? Is it too soon to discuss that?

Or should I just forget about A as things are so uncertain with him and just learn to like B?

Do you think A will change his mind after he settles the issues with his ex? But how long will that take?

Just so confused

IF A is still trying to resolve issues with his ex after a year, he is probably still not ready for a fresh relationship. And you do not want to try to like B because liking is not being in love.

You are stuck because you prefer A to B. You are giving all the excuses for A and creating reasons not to be with B. So it is not fair to use B as a backup for heartbreak in the event that A tells you, honestly, that he is not interested in you.

It's brutal, but it is better to know than dream and hope. At this point, A and you are between failed relationships. Sex is a binding factor emotionally, especially for a vulnerable woman like you.

Take a break from love if you are feeling unsure and reluctant. You do not want to be trapped in a loveless relationship with B while you hanker secretly for A. So be patient and bide your time.

Continue dating A and B until you are more in control of your feelings. Explore other relationships, too, so you can sort out the web in your heart and mind. Perhaps you are not in love with either A or B. They're just convenient at this point of your life.

 

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readers' comments
Why this lady limit herself only to A & B like there's no better men around town or in this cuntree leh???? Or she feels so inferior that only A or B will take her??? :p

Go out to reach C, D, E etc.... the best is yet to arrive your scene.... or into you.... :D


Posted by Small Fly on Tue, 19 Jul 2011 at 19:14 PM


down boy, down.. oh behave... :p
Posted by perceivedtobe on Mon, 18 Jul 2011 at 00:03 AM

it can be. an addiction thinking that it's an affection
Posted by mystrawberry on Sun, 17 Jul 2011 at 23:58 PM


Sigh, I 'walked' this path before (except the abundance sex part:p) during my early 20s thus I knew. Why shortchange ourselves? We deserved better or at least a fair start (both men and women) in the beginning of a relationship.
Posted by mystrawberry on Sun, 17 Jul 2011 at 23:56 PM


I agree with you. Dump A! He is probably sleeping around with a few women and can get himself committed to one...
Posted by kooldog59 on Sun, 17 Jul 2011 at 23:46 PM
A n B are not likely to end up with this woman. A is likely to go back to his ex bcos a man can cut off a relationship by not calling or going out with the ex, if he cannot cut off that girl, he is buying time to join her if she accepts. This is obvious.
B is a no go. He is lonely in other country and having infatuation with this girl. If he is interested, he shd have moved here to court her. When it is time to marry, he will find a local girl to settle down, not difficult decision for a man.

What she needs to do is to control her own imagination and emotion. If she needs sex and hug, go with A but remember it is not serious relationship, sex is just shaking hand only. For B, he .....
Posted by last_laugh on Sun, 17 Jul 2011 at 22:59 PM
torn between two lovers, feeling like a fool.
Posted by xinjiapore on Sun, 17 Jul 2011 at 22:45 PM
What's with this "can't date you because he's got unresolved issues with ex" ? Didn't he meet you once a week for dinner and movies and you even had sex with each other a few times.

These are just excuses from men. Coupled with his smooth warm hugs, he seems like a very experienced player. Ditch him.

Keep your options opened with B. Date him and give it time. If still nothing, then just be friends. You can afford to wait for C to come along. No point rushing to marry and then find out the man you're married to isn't the right one or he's cheating you 1 or 2 years after getting married and when routine sets in. I'd rather be single.
Posted by gerigeriyeo on Sun, 17 Jul 2011 at 22:40 PM
impaled by his weapon - an addiction?
Posted by perceivedtobe on Sun, 17 Jul 2011 at 22:26 PM
Forget about 'A'. He is just making use of you for sex (or you making use of him for sex?). You actually believed a guy who doesn't want a commitment with you but sex you and giving all those reasons? His feelings are not on par with you, why waste time with him?
Posted by mystrawberry on Sun, 17 Jul 2011 at 21:24 PM

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