OVER the weekend, I attended a conference about relationships, which was an eye-opener.

One issue that got me thinking was the idea of change in a relationship.

It is common for a married couple, once the romance of the wedding has worn off, to start wanting to change aspects of each other's behaviour or character.

However, it may be more appropriate to take a step back and consider: "What's it like to be married to me?"

Author Gary Chapman, in his book The Five Love Languages, a New York Times bestseller, describes how couples have learnt to express their feelings and bring joy back into their marriages after learning about love languages - ways people express and interpret love.

Each of us, he says, identify with one of the five love languages, which are categorised as follows:

Words of affirmation: You like receiving compliments, such as "You look beautiful tonight".

Quality time: It is important that your spouse puts aside time and undivided attention for you.

Receiving gifts: You value not just the physical present, but also the effort your spouse has put into acquiring it.

Acts of service: You appreciate your spouse's efforts to help vacuum the floor, or make you a cup of coffee. This is about sharing responsibilities equally.

Physical touch: Thoughtful gestures, such as holding hands and hugging, are ways to show love and concern for you.

Dr Chapman says that people are usually drawn to those who "speak" a different love language from their own. As a result, we may express our love using a love language that our partners may not be able to relate to.

Thus, he adds, it is important for us to "study our spouse" so that we can discover what his or her love language is, and express our love accordingly.

The writer is a senior vice-president of Singapore Press Holdings' marketing division.

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