N AND I are married to different spouses but I’ve loved her from the start. We had everything – love, purpose, passion, companionship and a wonderful sex life.

We had our first son, but he carries her husband’s name. Then she left to join him abroad. I had a fling, solely for sex. When N found out, all hell broke loose. That was four years ago.

N even told her husband about it. I don’t know if she ever told him about us or our kids. Our second boy also doesn’t carry my name.

We fought the demons together and came back stronger each time. N was committed to our love and our little family; she said she would never want to lose us. I believed her and was happy. She believes the boys are mine. She told me to never deny that I’m their father. I promised and I’m proud of it.

N says her husband is a good man but their relationship is merely that of good friends. Occasionally, she and our sons would go abroad to visit him.

Last May, we forged a partnership to build our little business. We were focused on working hard for the future.

But last December, N reconnected with an old schoolmate, a lesbian. N enjoyed her company and felt light-hearted. Then I made a second big mistake – I left our home because I did not want a confrontation regarding the friend. N immediately invited her to move in.

She says she has feelings for this person, who has said she loves N, too. Now N wants to pursue a relationship with her. I believe they have consummated their relationship.

This is our eighth year together, but N claims she cannot forget about my fling. She says she can never trust me again. I suggested seeking professional counselling, but she refused.

I don’t get to see our sons often now. N claims her husband knows about the friend staying in the house, but she may not have revealed their relationship. Perhaps the friend is seducing N. She is well-to-do and well-connected. Is N merely being practical?

I’m not financially viable yet and N has to rely on her husband for support. He is due back for a holiday and I fear she might have a heart-to-heart talk with him about the present situation.

I’m flummoxed and going bonkers. I do not believe N has lesbian tendencies. We had an active love life and she enjoys physical intimacy.

N says she is happy and cannot stop thinking of her new love. Is she using this affair to bury the hurt I caused her? She says no and I do not want to think she is vindictive.

What is going to happen to me, our boys and N? How do I get her back? I love them very much.

Wanting Quantum of Solace

YOU cannot figure out N’s heart and mind. Is she throwing away all the years of love with you simply because of one slip-up? Is she truly in love with a lesbian, or is she in it for the financial stability? Perhaps she wants to hurt you, just as you had hurt her?

You and N have two children in her husband’s name but you’re living together. Now she wants to divorce her husband for her new-found love.

Your love for N seems to know no bounds and while your fling has tainted your relationship, you have tried very hard to redeem yourself. N has managed to keep a husband who supports her financially while she lives with another man who fathered her kids. Now, she has met a woman who loves her and will also support her.

N holds the key to the happiness of all the parties involved. Would she really divorce her husband for her new lover? Could she perhaps forgive you and welcome you back into her life? How about the kids? Does she consider the consequences of her actions on their young lives?

As N has the answers, you really need to talk to her. If she refuses to forgive and forget your betrayal, then you have no hope. While you believed you had salvaged love at one point, N seems to have disregarded those moments of love, passion and understanding. Although you had another child after that, you are no longer worthy of her love.

When it came to the crunch, you walked away too easily. Where was your own will to fight for N? What man would have been so meek as to find every excuse to exonerate the behaviour of the woman he loves? What man would allow the love of his life to carry on with the farce of a marriage because of financial support? Perhaps it is your weakness that has been eroding love.

N is not above blame, too. She chose to live with her husband when you already had a relationship going. It is incredulous that you could have children together and allow another man to take legal responsibility. Such behaviour seems completely self-centred and irresponsible.

Perhaps it is time you both take stock of the situation. N should not use her husband, children and her lesbian lover solely for her own happiness. You should not hang around, simply hoping for her to make up her mind. It is time you have the guts to be a father to your children, and a husband to N. It is not right that you are an accomplice to her manipulations and deceit.