I AM having such problems communicating with my 16-year-old daughter that I'm afraid I'm going to lose her. She's completely out of control; she stays out late at night with I-don't-know-who; she's forever missing class, and her mood swings are so extreme I'm worried that she's on drugs.

I don't know what happened between us. We used to have a good mother-daughter relationship. I had her late in life, when I was 39, and my husband, 46. We're older than most of her friends' parents, but I always thought I could connect with her, that I was as much a friend as a mother.

Then when she turned 14, it was as if a different person took over my daughter's body. Her marks at school started slipping and I thought she wouldn't even get past her first major public exam. She did make it, but now she's completely unfocused and has a different set of friends from before, friends I don't approve of. I've forbidden her from seeing them but she simply ignores me. I can't lock her up in her room, and she just does not listen to anything I say.

My husband is quite traditionally Asian in that he has left her upbringing largely to me and is not that close to her. He just gives her pocket money (too much, I feel) and leaves it at that.

At the rate my daughter is going, she will not get through her SPM, much less make anything of herself in life. I don't know what to do, or how to get through to her.

Troubled by Teen

TEENAGE angst, raging hormones, and changes in behaviour - yes, these are every parent's bane. You must feel so frustrated, helpless and pained as you watch your only child growing emotionally estranged from you.

What happened when she turned 14, and started being rebellious? Peer pressure from her new set of friends? The sudden realisation that she is almost an adult who can challenge parental control?

While you had felt connected with your daughter, did she feel the same? You believe that you have done everything right as a parent, yet your child has turned out to be a difficult, unreasonable teenager.

We need to try to understand our children. As you have pointed out, your husband has always played a silent role as the traditional father who seems to only pay the bills. You have been the doting and patient mum who probably spoiled and pampered your baby a little.

But while it is important to be friends with her, perhaps she also needs firm discipline and guidance.

This is not about blame or guilt. Parenthood is not easy. Many parents have suffered their fair share of sullen, moody and uncommunicative teenagers. But there are also those who enjoy a wonderful relationship with their children.

These parents tell me that they spend time with their kids, get involved in some of their activities, get to know their friends and insist on knowing what their children are up to outside the house. Permission must be sought and granted before they are allowed to go out. Money is also regulated and accounted for.

Perhaps your husband must get involved and play the firm, discipline master. Get him to set some rules for your daughter. Try to talk to her and explain why you are doing this. You must be the parent she can always connect with.

However, you must not allow her to bend the roles by placating you. Give her some space and allow her to vent her frustrations in her room, but never let her show you disrespect or yell at you. Always tell her that you love her. She will grow up and understand how much you care.