MARRIAGE is not easy.
A divorcee who gave her name only as Ms Joe said: “The first time I got married, I was 23 and madly in love. It made me blind to many issues.”
Her husband was an alcoholic who would not change his ways and the marriage lasted only four years.
The number of divorces here is rising and the Government is concerned.
Earlier this week, the Ministry of Community Development, Youth and Sports (MCYS) proposed that marriage preparation courses be made mandatory for minors and divorcees planning to walk down the aisle.
Ms Joe, 34, said that if she decides to get married again, she looks forward to doing a pre-marital course.
“Now, I am in a serious relationship and I know that there are things we need to iron out and talk about before we get married,” she said.
“I didn’t get it right the first time... I want to do better the next time around.”
Three marriage counsellors The New Paper on Sunday spoke to said such marriage preparation courses are increasingly popular.
The national coordinator for the Catholic Engaged Encounter (CEE) course, Mr Patrick Hia, said the demand for this three-day weekend retreat workshop has been so high, it is booked three months ahead.
“We started with just a few sessions a year and this year, we are running 20 weekend sessions, with 32 couples attending each time,” he said. “Next year, we plan to increase it to 21 sessions.”
The workshop, which has been held for 28 years, is meant for those about to get married.
Melville and Susana David, who have been married for 16 years, remember taking it. And they said that what they picked up from the workshop in 1994 remains relevant today.
The lessons help them work out the constant kinks and hiccups they still face in their marriage.
Said Mr David, 44, who works in insurance: “That workshop made us aware that marriage is not all lovey-dovey with just cuddling and kissing and everything will fall into place.”
Added Mrs David, 43, a regional director in a business networking organisation: “It still allows us the chance to be aware and value marriage as something that we have to work on 24 hours a day, every day of the week.”
The couple have two children – a son, Tristan, 14, and daughter Whitney, 10.
Mr David said: “We were provided the opportunity to discuss many issues as a couple...(like) money, sex, children. Hearing the other couples share their experiences gave us the sense that the issues that we faced as a couple were not unique to us.”
Compulsory
Some religious groups make it necessary for couples to attend pre-marital courses.
Muslims must undergo a guidance course before they get married. Catholics too are required to undergo some form of a pre-martial preparation course.
Mr Hia said the CEE course is run by a priest with two married couples who share their experiences. Topics include finances, children and communication.
The cost of the course is $190 a couple.
The engaged couples take part in discussions, fill up questionnaires and have to do some homework as well.
Said Mr Hia: “Couples have to reflect on certain issues like having children. Some might be open to it, while their partners might want to postpone it.
“Couples have to write an in-depth reflection on these views. They then share this personal reflection piece only with each other.”
Mr Phillip Chan, 51, a counsellor at CareCorner Counselling Centre, said such courses may reduce the incidence of couples returning for marital counselling.
“To my knowledge, in the last two years, those who have undergone the course at this centre have never come back for marital counselling,” he said.
“This is possibly because they have already aired their concerns and broached sensitive topics.”
The pre-marital workshop at CareCorner covers topics like how to manage conflicts and handle finances in a relationship.
Couples can choose a five-session course, where they meet a counsellor individually, or a three-session course, where groups of six couples meet the counsellor in the first two sessions. In the last session, couples meet the counsellor individually.
The course is supported by MCYS. It costs $170 after an MCYS rebate of $70.
One participant, who gave his name only as MrMan, said he was initially reluctant to go for it. “It sounded like a self-help workshop. I just wasn’t comfortable as I didn’t think I needed help,” he said.
Awareness
The 31-year-old, who took the course two months ago, added: “The counsellors started talking about who is to pay for what in terms of household expenses. That encouraged my fiance and me to start thinking about it as well. It is useful as it is one less conflict we will have in the future.”
But even with marital workshops, no one can guarantee that couples will not have any issues.
Said senior marital therapist Theresa Bung at Family Life Society: “Sure, couples still come in to see me for sessions although they have undergone pre-marital sessions.
“Some couples might even face serious problems in the future...
“What these workshops and sessions do is raise awareness of the differences each couple may have. With this heightened awareness, there is more understanding.”
This article was first published in The New Paper.
