Eyebrows are seldom raised when couples live together before marriage in western countries. The scenario is very different in Malaysia. However, despite unfriendly glares and crude remarks, many couples are opting to live together before marriage for a variety of reasons. But living together out of wedlock is not a bed of roses, writes
AUDREY VIJAINDREN
WITH no strings attached, sticky pre-nuptials or pricey wedding ceremonies, the trend to share living quarters is fast picking up among couples.
"Based on the long list of couples I've counselled over the span of more than 15 years, I dare opine that there is a steady increase in the number of Malaysian couples who choose to cohabit prior to marriage.
"There are several key factors which drive them to choose this lifestyle, most of which revolve around convenience, money, and the uncertainty of marriage," says Johana Johari, marriage counsellor and creator of MY Confidential, a virtual nationwide network of private counsellors.
"To them, it's the ideal living solution as far as real estate -- affordable accommodation in favourable locations -- is concerned.
"Couples are also making this move to 'test-drive' their relationship and to know whether they can indeed get over the 'being-in-love' phase.
"Young couples are also eager to know whether their compatibility includes all aspects -- physical, emotional, psychological, financial and spiritual. It gives the couple an opportunity to see each other in a more realistic light.
"The need to impress each other is much less at play when you are eating, sleeping, breathing and sharing your personal space with someone.
"If there are things you discover about the other person that you simply can't live with, then at least you would spare each other the heartache of going through a divorce."
However, the significant disadvantages of living together are often overlooked.
"There is a danger that either party might take things for granted and not want to take the relationship to the next level.
"Should the relationship fail, financial issues pertaining to rent, home loans, furniture and fixtures may be brought to the table, making the break-up very messy. There are no rules or laws binding both parties."
She says there were many who made the decision to cohabit for all the wrong reasons.
"Couples should consider the emotional implications of cohabitation before going down that path. It is safe to generalise that everyone has the capability to love with different levels of intensity. Either party may love the other more than he or she is loved in return.
"If one of them is ready to get married while the other is not, there will surely be a white elephant in the room. Ultimately, the hesitant party will feel pressured to make a commitment, adding more stress to the relationship.
"Besides that, the honeymoon period for a couple who have been living together before marriage will prove to be less meaningful than for couples who only move in together after the wedding."
Lawyer and youth educator Azah Yazmin Yusof believes couples who choose to live together out of wedlock will lose out.
"I guess it makes sense to some people and I'm not here to judge, but I truly believe there is so much joy in planning a wedding, getting married and living together as husband and wife. Marriages also have more stability because you have the support of your family and the legal system.
"When you live with someone, you give a lot of yourself to the union. If it does not work out, the repercussions are similar to a divorce. The only difference is that you don't have the support of the law behind you. In some scenarios, even parents are unwilling to get involved."
Azah says if a cohabiting couple break up, the situation is far worse for the woman than for the man.
"Society's make-up is like that and getting your life back together will be tougher. Keeping such relationships a secret for fear of scorn and criticism from society can also be very tiring.
"Matters worsen if the girl gets pregnant. It's then that couples jump into marriage, only to realise it's too late and they are not meant for each other."
Many young adults, she says, cohabit because they want to be more westernised.
"But there has been research that says that living in a non-marital union 'has a direct negative impact on subsequent marital stability', perhaps because it undermines the legitimacy of a formal marriage.
"So having a 'trial' marriage does not necessarily mean you will have a happy marriage in the end. Plus having such a relationship makes a person more inclined to have fleeting romances and extra-marital affairs, because of the pseudo-commitment in this kind of relationship."
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