DEAR EMILY,

My husband and I were childhood sweethearts and went steady for 11 years before we decided to get married. We have been married 18 years now. Our marriage is a mess. We have separate beds and lead separate lives. It hurts that we ended up this way. I was a battered wife. Then when I was about to walk out, he had an anxiety-panic attack and I thought he was dying. He confessed about his extra-marital affairs and asked for my forgiveness. He was nice for a year. But when he got cured, he was back to his old self—but worse this time.

Later, I was diagnosed with an HPV cervix infection, categorized as CIN 1—a precancerous state. HPV is contracted by sexual contact. I, of course, got this from him, as I’ve never had other men in my life. He never apologized and even refused to accompany me to the doctor during all my consultations. He also refused to finance my medical expenses. I tutor small children, but he even insulted me, saying my intellectual level is that of preschoolers.

Recently, I underwent hysterectomy because the virus kept coming back. He wouldn’t give me any money for this. To pay for it, I gave up the plane ticket I was going to use for our trip to the US.

What’s happening to my life is also my fault. Maybe I don’t know how to handle a relationship. He may be a good provider for the kids, but not for me. He expects me to fend for myself and won’t even give me a small allowance. It’s depressing that the reason I had my operation was the HPV I contracted from him. I want to separate from him. I want to use this as evidence when I file for legal separation or annulment. I don’t know if this will be a strong evidence against him.

Wife on the Cliff

Boy, you sure have a sweetheart of a husband, don’t you? He should be put on exhibit with the heading, “One reason why women should stay single!”

You were asking if your ailment which was apparently a gift from him, will be strong enough evidence to sue him in court. Suing is easy, as one lawyer said, but proving that the husband is responsible could be more difficult to prove. You also said you were battered. In this the law will protect you depending if it happened recently and if you have the medical certificate to prove it. That’s just how it is. If you have neither, suffering spouses like you would have to carry this albatross around your neck until such time when you can legally cut off your ties from him.

As you yourself experienced, your husband is incapable of ever changing his spots, probably till he’s fortunate enough—again—to be at the brink of death. It’s time you truly held yourself together and focused on your disease, which is no joke. Stress will only aggravate it if you allow your husband to rile you up. Do what you have to do to protect yourself from his insensitivity, tightwadness and cruelty.

It is not your husband who is suffering here and it is not he who could die from it. It is you.

Don’t be too hard on yourself for the failure of this relationship. People grow up. Minds get muddled. And your husband just turned out to be an A1-jerk.