So you're the tiger in bed. You want it, but his libido has gone MIA.

According to Martha Lee, clinical sexologist at Eros Coaching, "It's normal for men to experience a loss of sexual desire in bouts. When that happens, a man has a harder time dealing with it as, in most cases, his sense of self is tied up with his virility."

This also means that he may be too ashamed to speak up or seek help. So it's up to you to suss out his pleasure busters and experiment with a few tried-and-tested solutions.

Why he's avoiding sex:

He may be super-stressed out

If your hubby's workplace is like that of the typical Singaporean male, he's likely to be a bundle of overstretched nerves by the time he gets home at night. Daniel Koh, health psychologist at Insights Mind Centre, says that those who are stressed are often too preoccupied with worry to consider the possibility of pleasure. With his mind filled up with other thoughts, he may not even recognise the pleasure of sex, not to mention feel a desire for it.

Sex him up!

Have a relaxing but stimulating bath together, especially if he enjoys water.

Be understanding and provide support. Reassure him when he's unable to perform or doesn't want to. Pushing him would only stress him further, and create a barrier between you two.

Instead of avoiding him whenever he's stressed, stay close and have fun with him. Laughing together is a great way to relax and bond; it may even put him in the mood for some nookie later.

Help him set boundaries so he doesn't bring his work stress home. Set specific times to talk about what's stressing him out and keep the rest of your time at home to be together.

Why he's avoiding sex:

He's afraid he can't satisfy you in bed

Low sex-esteem and sexual anxiety can affect both your honey's libido
and performance in bed. If he's already insecure about his ability as a lover, refrain from pointing out his shortcomings in bed, which can affect his ego and how he values himself.

As it is, he may already be comparing himself to other men. Self-blame is common and may lead to more stress and anxiety. If he doesn't see himself as good in bed or capable of meeting your needs or expectations, he might abstain from sex with you so he doesn't disappoint you and further damage his self-esteem.

Sex him up!

Sexual insecurity sometimes stems from a general lack of sexuality. Try learning more about sexual anatomy and techniques through educational books and videos, or even by attending sex classes. Watching steamy videos may also help.

Instead of focusing on the negative, let him know what he does that you like, and then what you would like him to do. Show your delight and enjoyment at what he does well, and keep quiet about everything else.

Relax and have fun in bed. Once he sees that you're enjoying yourself, he will feel more at ease to be more sexually assertive.

Why he's avoiding sex:

He thinks he's unattractive and gets self-conscious in bed

If your hubby is uneasy going starkers and prefers the lights off during sex, he may not be comfortable with his appearance. For most men, their appearance is tied to their ego and how others (especially the opposite sex) see and value them. If he has body issues, say with his weight or receding hairline, he may find it hard to believe that you don't mind, especially if you're more attractive than he is.

Sex him up!

Help him learn to accept and love his body by telling him what you like about him physically. Avoid talking about how attractive other men are.

In bed, take time to help him feel comfortable. Focus on building your bond rather than on the sex. Hugging him and wanting to be close to him will make him feel that you accept his body as it is.

Exercise together. This way, the focus won't be on him, so he won't feel bad. Besides, regular aerobic exercise will also enhance your libido.

If he's depressed due to body image issues, speaking to a sexologist or counsellor may be best.

Why he's avoiding sex:

His changing body may be affecting his sex drive

As your man gets older, his testosterone level dips. This drop in his "hormone of desire" will change his psychological and physical needs – so not only will he fatigue more easily, he may also be anxious and depressed, all of which can affect his libido.

Sex him up!

Be understanding and accept the changes in him instead of expecting him to be the man you want him to be.

Focus more on sharing and closeness. Cuddle and caress without having full sexual intercourse. Giving him a body massage will also create intimacy, and that in turn, may lead to lovemaking.

Reassure him that you still enjoy his company and value him for who he is, rather than just for his body.

Work around his difficulties and explore new ways to achieve pleasure

Why he's avoiding sex:

You're not getting along

A temporary disinterest in sex is normal. But deeper relationship and communication issues may be tied to your loved one's extended low sexual desire. If there's tension or unhappiness in your relationship, it'll eventually show up in your sex life. His sex drive should return once those issues are sorted out.

Sex him up!

Observe your pattern of communication and make changes if necessary. For instance, how often do you express appreciation for your husband's contribution to the family?

Instead of whining, "Why aren't you spending time with me?", frame it more positively by saying , "I'd really like to spend more time with you," or "I really enjoy your company and I had a great time the last time we went out".

Try to share and understand each other's point of view. If your opinions differ, find compromises instead of blaming each other.

He can't read your mind so be specific about what you want without being overly bossy or domineering. This will make you less frustrated and you are also more likely to get your wish by being direct with him and closeness.

Why he's avoiding sex:

He can't get it up due to medical reasons

"Erectile dysfunction may be caused by diabetes, obesity, high blood pressure and high cholesterol. It could also be a side effect of some hair-loss remedies and medication," says Martha. Watch out for psychological factors like anxiety, guilt and stress, which are likely to contribute to impotence.

Sex him up!

Seek professional help if he's suffering from erectile dysfunction, so you'll know if medication or interventions like implants or pumps are needed. Be sure to do your research and bring a list of questions for the doctor, and don't be afraid to ask questions.

Make a list of his key medical information, including any conditions he's being treated for, as well as the names of all medications, vitamins or supplements he's taking.

Take note of any sexual problems he's experiencing, including when and how often it occurs. Then try matching them with changes in his diet, environment or behaviour.

Get the April 2010 issue of Simply Her for more tips to better sex. Simply Her, published by SPH Magazines is available at all newsstands now. Madeline Lin is a features writer with Simply Her magazine by SPH Magazines. Check out more stories at Simply Her online, www.simplyher.com.sg.