LAWYERS IN ASIA are jumping around with excitement, sometimes literally. The prenuptial agreement has arrived in the region. Prenups are how rich people say "I love you" and can be many expensive pages long.

Wedding vows in the US have been revised to take this trend into account.

Husband: "I take you to be my lawful wedded wife, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, from this day forward until the prenup do us part."

Minister: "You may now kiss the asset."

In some Asian countries, such as Sri Lanka, the Philippines and Bangladesh, people rarely get divorced, making prenups unnecessary.

But in many East Asian societies, people are obsessed with contracts. Singapore citizens have to sign a contract and pay a deposit before having an independent thought, for example.

Yet US prenups are not suitable for Asian guys, so lawyers here are working on new drafts. To save money, here’s one you can use for nothing.

I the undersigned, agree that...

1. Since you earn most of the money, you get to keep it. If I earn any, I will give it to you, of course, since I am only a woman.

2. I will never ask you to talk about your feelings, as I realize that real men don’t have any.

3. My mother will only be allowed to visit when you are on a business trip at least 500 kilometers away. At other times, she will remain a minimum of 500 kilometers away in accordance with the court order you very reasonably took out against her.

4. I will spend two hours a day in the gym, understanding that if I gain three kilos, you can kick me out for "letting myself go". At the same time, I acknowledge that a married man needs a pot belly to keep his sarong up. I pledge to never describe you as "chunky", instead favoring the word "hunky".

5. I understand that men need to scratch themselves and rearrange their body parts from time to time and will never criticize you for doing such a thing, even in public.

6. In the unlikely event that I do not get as much satisfaction out of conjugal relations as you do, I will pretend that I do, taking professional acting lessons if need be. When my sisters, cousins and girlfriends ask about my wedding night, I will inform them that the experience was so stunning that I can remember nothing except a blur of muscles as thick as tree trunks.

7. I acknowledge that men are the masters of all machines and I bow to their superior knowledge in this regard, even if they spend the household budget on useless gadgets. I understand that this does not include the vacuum cleaner, the iron and the washing machine, which are my domain.

8. I will never ask your opinion on clothing matters, including, if applicable, the baby’s diapers. However, if you bring me a costume "for night time use" I will enthusiastically wear it.

What to do if your bride refuses to sign the above? Marry her immediately.

She’s got brains.