MY husband is 51 and I’m 55. We have been married about five years. He was a divorcee with no kids; I have three grown-up children.

He is not easy to get along with. He’s temperamental, whereas I am soft-spoken and patient. Whenever I talk, I must be careful not to hurt his feelings. Should I say something wrong, the house becomes a hell, especially if he’s had too many drinks.

He smokes and gambles and blames others for his mistakes. He complains about everything I do and is never satisfied. Sometimes he compares me with his ex-wife, and my daughter with his niece.

If what he wants is not done, his temper will flare. He doesn’t like my children or siblings. Whenever he sees me with them, he will start an argument.

He likes to drag up old stories and says bad things about my first husband, who committed suicide eight years ago. He claims the deceased is doing evil things to him.

On one occasion, he chased my daughter out of the house (when she and her husband were staying with us). I have helped him financially many times. He always reminds me that my savings are for our old age and that I cannot help my daughter even if she is not financially stable.

I feel at peace whenever he goes to work or when he’s asleep. But whenever he is out of a job, my fears start. He wants to check how I spend my money, and who on. It’s my own savings and money from my late husband. When I won’t let him, he kicks up a fuss.

He has also asked me to choose between him and my children. Recently he said if I carried on like now, it would be difficult for us to be together. Does this mean he is asking me to leave?

I’m trying very hard to maintain this marriage as I do not wish to be separated at this age – it will make me a laughing stock.

I was looking for a kind companion for my old age but ended up with someone unreasonable. I feel very depressed and sometimes think of ending my life. I’m really at a loss.

Suffering in Silence

HE will never ask you to leave. The man you chose for companionship in your old age is an emotionally insecure bully and tyrant. He will continue to make your life miserable, fearful and lonely. He will endeavour to rid you of your loved ones so that you are entirely at his mercy.

Deep in your heart, you know you should get away as soon as you can. Why would leaving him make you a laughing stock? Staying on in a marriage that is slowly robbing you of pride, esteem and dignity makes you the greater fool. And you have been asked to choose between children, siblings and him? How dare he make such a demand when he should love you and your family from the day he married you.

You have absolutely no reason to hang on to your marriage. When you are expected to watch your words and every step, how can there be love?

He is using emotional intimidation to keep you away from your children and siblings so that he does not have to share you with anyone. These few years, he has been marking his territory. He wants you to be all his to torture and abuse at his every whim.

It sounds horrifying, but this man’s actions are not normal. He is watching you, your money and your daily activities. He insults your loved ones and chases them away. He picks on you deliberately, dragging up the past just to belittle and disparage.

He controls you with his volatile temper because he knows you will not retaliate. He is exploiting your soft words and patience to instil fear. And worse, he is blatantly using your money and your love for his own selfish pleasure.

Do not even think of killing yourself for him. He is not worth your life and future. Consider divorce and plan it carefully. Consult a lawyer to ensure that your personal wealth is protected. Talk to a friend or relative who can help you. If he ever raises his hand against you, file a police report. Keep away from him or stay where he cannot find you for a period of time because he will not leave peacefully.

Consider this marriage an episode that’s best forgotten. Writing to me is your call for help. Heed what your heart and mind are telling you. You do not want to suffer the rest of your life with a man who is a self-serving, ego-maniac.