I REFER to Mr Lee Seck Kay's letter "Wayward teens: Parents hold the key", last Saturday. My experience as a mother of four teenage boys has told me that love alone is not enough to bring up well-balanced children.

What children also need is for parents to acknowledge their feelings. The trouble is we parents don't usually accept their feelings. We say things like: "You have no reason to be so upset." "You're talking this way because you're making excuses."

Constant denial will confuse and enrage kids and it will also teach them not to know what their feelings are or trust them.

Not only are the conversations with our children turning into arguments, we are telling our children over and over again not to trust their own perceptions but to rely on those of the adults instead.

When a particular misbehaviour persists, we resort to punishment because we feel that's the only way the child learns, we feel frustrated and we don't know what else to do.

In the end, instead of feeling sorry for what he had done and making amends, the child is preoccupied with revenge. He does not face up to his own misbehaviour.

Are there ways to engage our children without bruising their self-esteem or leaving them with a backwash of bad feelings?

Are we able to create a climate of respect and nurture a spirit of cooperation? Are we able to let our children see their strengths and develop them for use in moments of doubt or discouragement?

We need to break the cycle of unhelpful talk and search for communication skills that nourish the self-esteem and bring out what is best in our children. When they feel appreciated, they are more likely to feel good about themselves, to cope with the challenges in their lives and to set higher goals for themselves.

Ng Geok Lan (Ms)

This article was first published in The Straits Times.