THEIRS appeared to be an ideal marriage. With a doctorate from the United States, he was a fast rising academic at a Singapore university.
She had a master's degree from the US too. And when a baby son arrived one year after they got married in the early 1990s, Ms Karen Lim, decided to put motherhood before career.
Cracks appeared in the marriage soon after. Her husband did not like the fact that she was opinionated and challenged his old-fashioned ideas.
He told her he wanted a 'quiet pussycat'. When she wanted to go back to work, he said no.
Trouble erupted in late 1995, about 18 months into their marriage. The couple were at a church retreat in a hotel when their infant son had a bad bout of diarrhoea. When she asked her husband for help, he stormed into the bathroom.
She knocked on the door, only to have it smashed in her face. The violence continued for another three years. One day, he punched her in the face so hard that her glasses flew off.
She fled to her parents' home. After counselling by their pastor, however, she reconciled with her husband the following year.
CALL FOR HELP
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If you are a victim of dating violence, you can seek help from the following places:
Centre for Promoting Alternatives to Violence (PAVe): 6555 0390
Safe@Trans: 6449 9088
Family Service Centre Helpline: 1800 838 0100
Samaritans of Singapore: 1800 221 4444
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Then the hitting and kicking resumed. He would be upset over small things - like when she wanted to watch TV late at night. Often, he would berate her for being a 'bad mother and wife'.
'It dawned on me that my husband would be a bully forever - he would never change,' she said.
She left him in 2002, got a job and started regular counselling sessions at Pave.
Divorced now, the 44-year-old spends part of her time encouraging women to speak out against family violence by sharing her story with friends and family.
Three friends have confided about being beaten by their husbands. One, a doctor in her 60s, has been abused both physically and financially for over 20 years, but has not struck up the courage to leave her husband.
They may be educated and have good jobs, but some women still feel that 'without their husbands, they are nothing', said Ms Lim.
'Staying in an abusive marriage is hard, but leaving is harder.'
This article was first published in The Straits Times.
Physical abuse is easier to detect and prevented. How about mental abuse. Some of us do not even know what are mental abuse. The damage is definitely much worse.
Sad to say that majority Singaporean guys do not know what they want in life. On one end they wanted educated, smart and drop dead gorgeous girl friends and wives and at the same time a submissive one. Come on, No one is perfect. Count your blessing !!!
come on ... which educated or mordern woman now can cook, wash and clean?? She wants to be the dearest mummy, but she can't deliver fully, and she wants her hubby to pick up after her .... i mean even if you hire a maid, your gonna have to train them, monitor them, counsul them etc ...this means taking leadership role, but she doens't want the responsibilities she just wants things to fall in place .... just like if she goes for the interview or the exams she just need to answer the qns correctly ... but that's not real life .....
She wants to be the damsel in distress while takng the boss role .....
Any man who laid his hands on any ladies is a coward and must NOT be allowed do so.
Our brain solved problems using the rationality instead of emotion. That is the case in most situation. When it comes to marriage and the man you loved, or once, loved; emotion interfere with rationality! Hence, many people stayed in unhappy, and worse, abusive relationship despite knowing full well ratiionally that what is going on will lead to more pain and disaster!!
No one can decide when to leave emotion aside and work on the relationship from a rational basis but the 'victims' themselves.
Of course, we always want the trouble marriage to have an independent and professional person helping before fixing the 'blame' on one or the other. However, this is not the key point. Sometimes .....