I HAVE been married for 16 months to a guy who is 10 years older. It’s an arranged marriage, which has not been consummated.

In the beginning, I was positive that everything would work out eventually. But I no longer feel so. He said he was fine and everything about the relationship was fine and kept giving me one excuse after another .

Finally my parents and the elders in the family intervened. He agreed to go for medical treatment and the doctor diagnosed his problem as erectile dysfunction.

He does not take his medication regularly. Every time I ask about that, we will quarrel. I’m getting tired of his behaviour and I feel that I have been cheated. I no longer have the interest or desire to live with him.

I badly need some counselling. Does the Family and Women’s Department offer help for this?

ED Problem

Response from Thelma:

YOU could seek guidance and support from the Women’s Aid Organisation (WAO). Or you could talk to family members and seek to annul this marriage.

An arranged marriage already poses a myriad of issues as you do not know each other before marriage. In the first place, he should not have agreed to marriage until his erectile dysfunction has been cured. Now you have to nag him to get treatment, and end up quarrelling and worrying about distrust and disagreement.

You have every reason to feel cheated and upset.

However, if you do not have any choice but to hang on to the marriage, then you will have to be very patient and gentle with this man. Egging him on with anger will only cause him more emotional and psychological distress, which will not help his physical problem.

While it is difficult to expect love and tenderness to bloom under such circumstances, you will have to decide on your future. It will not be a smooth and easy path but if you have the will and courage, you might be able to beat the odds and have a good marriage.

Encourage him to take his medication, and take care of his health and well-being. Persuade him with love and care. Let him fall in love with you and appreciate you for being supportive and understanding.

If the marriage should fail, then you have done your best and no one can fault you. Family and relatives should not always expect the woman to be submissive and docile. Your happiness is at stake, too, and if you should decide to get a divorce or annulment, do not allow harsh words and accusations to cause you hurt. It is even more painful to be trapped in a marriage of convenience without love and passion.